I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season, and the joy, anxiety, and seasonal depression it brings!
Outside of Gentner Drummond revealing his inner-Derplahoman nutjob and dismissing charges against the brave OKC cop who bodyslammed a defenseless 80-something-year-old man to the ground for arguing a traffic ticket, it's been a pretty slow news week.
Thank God.
We'll touch on Gentner's regression to the conservative mean, and possibly some other local things, when we return from our end-of-the-year break on Monday.
Until then, here's the first half of our 2024 TLO 69 – a curated and chronological look back at our best, dumbest, and most clickable stories of the year. Part 1 will take us through June, while the rest will be published tomorrow.
Stay with The Lost Ogle. We'll keep you advised.
1. TLO Unveils Plans To Build World's Second Largest Skyscraper In Oklahoma City
Date Published: 1/2/24
After consulting with local architects, developers, and, most importantly, PR professionals who told us it’s an easy way to generate publicity and earned media from the desperate local news media that will treat any far-fetched idea seriously, The Lost Ogle is proud to announce our plan to construct a $4-billion dollar, 2,500 foot TLO headquarters in downtown Oklahoma City just across the street from the OKC cockring.
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2. Man Who Okayed Wrong Execution Drug Put In Charge Of Oklahoma Doctors
Date Published: 1/8/24
Steve Mullins was recently named the Executive Director of the Oklahoma Osteopathic Board.
The appointment is anything but sterile, as it appears Mullins’s only experience with the medical profession is from when he infamously and secretly tried to force the state into using the wrong execution drugs on Richard Glossip.
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3. Mystery Drone Pilot Tags Moore With Giant Rainbow Dildos
Date Published: 1/11/24
Thanks to a tip via the Ogle Mole Network, we’ve learned that a mysterious drone pilot has gone on a devious rampage in the OKC suburb of Moore, using super-gripped suction cups to slap massive rainbow dildos around various gspots in the community.
4. Secretly Recorded Staff Meeting Reveals Big Problems At Paycom
Date Published: 1/18/24
Earlier this week we acquired via the Ogle Mole Network a 23-minute-long audio recording of an all-hands-on-deck product department staff meeting led by Paycom CEO Chad Richison.
Taking place on January 9th, Richison told his product team that he’s “embarrassed” by the company’s software and that he’s canceling all of his 2024 ski trips because the only thing he wants to do in 2024 is “fix the product.”
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5. Weather Fight Aaron Tuttle Launches Smear Campaign On Weather Watch Oklahoma Guy
Date Published: 1/23/24
Diabolical Facebook beefcake weatherman Aaron Tuttle launched a vicious smear campaign against his primary social media weather rival, Mike Williams.
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6. News 9 Still Struggling With Switch To Automation
Date Published: 2/5/24
Who knows – maybe it’s time for “Oklahoma’s own” news channel to hire actual Oklahomans to produce the news again. Then again, bloopers like this are about the only reason to watch the news anymore, so maybe they should stick with it.
7. Breaking News Brent Swadley Finally Indicted For Foggy Bottom Swindle
Date Published: 2/8/24
Earlier today, Oklahoma Attorney General Gentner Drummond announced that an Oklahoma Grand Jury has indicted Brent Swadley, whistleblower Curtis Breuklander, and some guy named Timothy Raymond on a variety of felony fraud charges related to the infamous Swadley’s Foggy Bottom Swindle.
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8. Baptists To Colonize Bricktown
Date Published: 2/14/24
Yesterday afternoon, Steve Lackmeyer jumped on the Bricktown beat to report that the Oklahoma Southern Baptists are moving their headquarters from that sterile, rundown, white building on NW 36th & May to the abandoned Sonic headquarters in Bricktown.
Yep, that’s right.
Bricktown has finally caught up with Uptown and Plaza got its own church. Hallelujah!
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9. 106 9 KTLO Announces It Will Never Play Beyonce Country Or Any Other Type Of Bad Music
Date Published: 2/14/24
In case you missed it, some person emailed a country music station in Ada to see if they’re going to play some new crossover single from Beyonce.
The station manager – like me and 99% of all the other people on the planet –apparently didn’t know Beyonce released a county music single, and, well, an international scandal has since ensued.
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10. Red Lobster Shrimp Fan Shamed By OKC Media
Date Published: 2/20/24
Yesterday afternoon, the OKC Police Department teamed up with the metro broadcast news media to issue its first-ever “Scampi Alert” after a woman allegedly threw a massive tantrum and walked her tab at a local Red Lobster, all because the restaurant wouldn’t let her take home its Endless Shrimp Feast™.
A remarkably clear photo of the woman along with details of the incident – the prawny provocateur apparently smashed plates, tossed tartar sauce, and insulted the wait staff before floating away – was shared on OKCPD socials and quickly aggregated by all four OKC broadcast news channels.
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11. Ryan Walters Puts His Deranged Mark On Oklahoma Teacher Of The Year Selection Process
Date Published: 2/22/24
To help determine this year’s Oklahoma Teacher of the Year, Ryan has apparently organized a special selection committee to vet and review candidates.
I have no clue who’s on the committee, but based on some of the questions they’re allegedly asking teachers, I’m going to assume the co-chairs are The Real Ron Ron, The Libs of TikTok Lady, and Leonard “Ol Ranger” Scott.
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12. OKC Bros Outrageous Satirical Lie Goes Viral On TikTok
Date Published: 2/23/24
Earlier this week, Wesley – a crypto bro who claims he’s made millions hawking a “100% guaranteed to work” cryptocurrency trading system – shared a sensational, hard-to-believe story about how the OKCPD SWAT team swarmed his house after his daughter accidentally called 911 while he was playing Fortnite or something.
The story doesn’t contain a punchline, joke, or any disclaimer that what he’s telling you is false. Instead, he passes the entire thing off as the truth.
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13. Filth-Loathing Oklahoma Lawmaker Has Hardcore Instagram Model Fetish
Date Published: 2/28/24
Thanks to a hard-hitting TLO investigation that required hours and hours of rigorous study, research, and analysis, we’ve determined that approximately 50% – if not more – of the 938 people Tom follows on Instagram are hot female Instagram influencer model babe types who love to share revealing, provocative and "filthy" photos of their boobs, abs, and asses that would make any church deacon blush.
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14. Ryan Walters Turns 2nd Grade Story Time Into Christian Prayer Session
Date Published: 2/29/24
If you’re a fan of the long-held separation of church and state – or think using school children as political pawns in an effort to outrage sane people and pander to evangelical voters is gross – grab a barf bag.
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15. Stinky Situation: Deer Creek Toe Licking Fundraiser Achieves Viral Outrage
Date Published: 3/4/24
In today’s out-of-context video age – and a time when indecent and predatory behavior runs rampant in schools and literally every scholastic decision and activity is put under an exploitive microscope by people looking for new ammo to use in a war against public education – Deer Creek’s students, parents, teachers, and administrators organized a toe licking event for charity, and not one person spoke up and said “Hey, uhm, is this a good idea?”
If that’s not proof that Oklahoma public schools are failing, I don’t know what is.
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16. Sellout Crowd Lays Off Staff And Is Officially On The Ropes
Date Published: 3/5/24
Yesterday afternoon, the Oklahoma City sports media scene learned that SelloutCrowd.com – the Toby Keith and Bob Stoops-backed sports media website that arrogantly announced its arrival back in August – has parted ways with a good chunk of its content creators and beat writers.
The scene unfolded like a sad melodrama on Xitter, with content creator after content creator begrudgingly announcing they’ve hit the local sports media waiver wire, even though they were allegedly promised the start-up had three years of funding to cover salaries.
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17. Grady County Commissioner Admits He Discriminates Against Democrats
Date Published: 3/26/24
Thanks to a tip via the Ogle Mole Network, we’ve learned that Kirk Painter – a good ole’ boy Republican Grady County Commissioner – will ignore various citizen requests submitted by registered Democrats.
We know this because Kirk admitted to the discriminatory behavior that denies certain citizens equal rights under the law due to their political beliefs in a County Commissioners meeting on March 3rd, 2024.
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18. News 9 Lays Off Pregnant Meteorologist Amid Morning Show Restructure
Date Published: 4/11/24
Thanks to a tip via the Ogle Mole Network, we’ve learned “Oklahoma’s Own” News 9 is “restructuring” its morning programming as part of a plan to cut costs and address slagging ratings.
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19. Edmond Community Enjoying New Phallic Fun Park
Date Published: 4/12/24
Thanks to a tip via the Ogle Mole Network, we’ve learned the new playground equipment installed at historic Stephenson Park is erecting immature smiles and giggles across the faces of Edmond residents.
Located only a mile or two from the fabled Morning Woods neighborhood, the centerpiece of the remodeled 130-year-old park is a futuristic slide that residents have given various nicknames, ranging from the Magic Thruster to the Penile Shoot to the Strap-On-Slide-Down
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20. OKGOP County Official Is Homicidal Maniac Behind Panhandle Murders
Date Published: 4/16/24
Last night, an Ogle Mole let us know that Tifany Adams – the evil grandma who OSBI claims viciously murdered Jilian Kelley and Veronica Butler in the Oklahoma panhandle as part of a child custody dispute – is the former chair of the Cimarron County Republican Party.
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21. Exclusive Kelly Ogle Reaches Arbitration Deal With News 9
Date Published: 4/23/24
Thanks to a tip via The Ogle Mole Network, we’ve learned that Kelly Ogle – the Former Lord Commanding Anchor of KWTV News 9 who was unceremoniously vanquished from his throne in January 2022 – has reached arbitration terms with Griffin Media stemming from a recent legal dispute.
Kelly was repped by Mark Hammons – the Oklahoma employment attorney whom all the victims of Ryan Walters, Shelley Zumwalt, and now apparently the Griffin family go to for legal assistance.
22. Oklahoma Man Discovers Four Bullet Life Hack To Extend Caribbean Vacation Indefinitely
Date Published: 4/24/24
I guess you can’t blame Valerie for being a bit upset. I’d be, too, if I was forced to return to Oklahoma and watch the kids while my spouse chills on the beach, drinking pina coladas and listening to Kokomo, while awaiting a court date.
If I were her, I’d gather up the kids, a box of bullets, and book a flight back to the islands to permanently join him!
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23. Sellout Crowd Throws In The Towel
Date Published: 5/16/24
The game is over for Sellout-Crowd.com.
Just 10 months after its grand launch, Sellout Crowd – the new-age Oklahoma online sports media outlet that trotted onto the field with an old-school, unsustainable 2006 newspaper business model – has officially turned off the lights and sent its players home.
Naturally, I broke the news yesterday on X.
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24. Val And Amy Survive Terrifying Wreck While Storm Chasing
Date Published: 5/20/24
Question – If your storm chaser crashes live on air while playing the old Gary England Drinking Game™, how many shots do you have to take? Isn’t it double if they’re in Pottawattamie County? It’s been a while since I played, so I can’t remember.
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25. Sassy Psychic Medium Photographer Arrested On Domestic Violence Charges
Date Published: 5/29/24
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26. Kevin Stitt Grows Mysterious Third Eye Brow
Date Published: 5/29/24
In a recent interview with Channel 25, the Governor revealed to the state the embarrassing news that he’s growing a strange third eyebrow on the left side of his forehead.
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27. Oklahoma Sports Announcer Likes Hot Soccer Moms
Date Published: 5/30/24
Toby Moore – a low-level PA announcer from Tulsa who once competed on Wheel of Fortune – achieved Internet infamy this week after he was caught on a hot mic insulting the skill level of high school soccer players and ogling their hot moms.
It sounded like the typical male conversation you’d hear at any Hooters, construction site, board room, state capitol, prayer breakfast, or, well, high school stadium, but because the stooge was dumb enough to say it on a hot mic for the world to hear, it quickly went viral across the sports social media blogosphere scene.
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28. Paycom Co-CEO Resigns After Three Months On The Job
Date Published: 6/3/24
Three months after his much ballyhooed promotion to Co-CEO, Paycom announced Friday that Chris Thomas is no longer co-leading Oklahoma’s flagship tech company.
As now-solo CEO Chad Richison said three months ago, Chris was “instrumental in helping build Paycom into the world-class HR and payroll software company it is today,” so his sudden departure seems like a pretty big deal.
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29. Hail No! Another Morning TV Meteorologist Leaves The OKC Weather Scene
Date Published: 6/10/24
Just a month or two after KWTV Channel 9 sent Hannah Scholes and her fetus packing, KOCO weekend morning meteorologist Taylor Cox announced she is leaving the channel and fleeing the TV news industry like one of those morons trying to drive away from the tornado in the new Twisters trailer.
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30. OKC Heartthrob Turned California Homewrecker Paco Balderama's Shocking Scandal Rocks Fresno
Date Published: 6/11/24
Yeah, I don’t blame the Fresno Police Officers Association for being mad about this. I’m sure there are many unwritten rules to being a cop, and staying away from a coworker’s spouse must be one of them!
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31: Norman Councilman Caught On Mic Sharing Vulgar Disdain For Jeering Citizens
Date Published: 6/12/24
His suggestion was greeted with jeers and boos from the loud and vocal anti-arena crowd who always attend and make noise at things like this. Peacock didn’t appreciate it, so he whined a bit, and then, when he thought no one could hear him, said…
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32. Miss Bricktown Clogs Her Way To Miss Oklahoma Crown
Date Published: 6/18/24
Yep, move over Miss Midtown, Miss Paseo, and my personal favorite, Miss N. May Ave. – Miss Bricktown is in the house and means business!
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Wow. What a thrilling first half of the year that was! The countdown resumes tomorrow!
