Marcuswayne Mullin: A TLO Retrospective

Well, it finally happened!

Last night, Marcuswayne Mullin – the Derplahoman dandy from eastern Oklahoma – was confirmed by the U.S. Senate to serve as Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, a place where he – a temperamental nepo-plumber with the reasoning skills of a monkey wrench – will be put in charge of protecting the nation from terrorism, securing the border, and responding to disasters.

Lucky us, huh?

As I mentioned a few weeks back, we’ve been covering Markwayne since he first arrived on the Oklahoma political scene over a decade ago. During that time, we’ve watched firsthand as he’s transitioned from a dumb, loudmouthed congressman to a dumb, loudmouthed senator to what, I assume, will be a dumb, loudmouthed secretary.

So, in honor of his latest promotion, we thought it would be fun to dig through the archives and revisit some of our favorite moments along the way. Consider this a retrospective of the highlights – or lowlights – that helped chart his unlikely rise.

Here are 20 of them…

1. The Time He Said Stupid Stuff About Marijuana

This wasn’t the first time we mentioned Markwayne’s two first names on the site, but it was the first dedicated article about him.

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2. The Time He Foolishly Bragged About Paying His Own Salary

In dire need of a basic civics lesson, the harebrained heir to a local plumbing dynasty did not seem to understand how public service works...

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3. The Time He Broke His Term Limit Pledge

After reneging on his public promise in a very public way, calling him a "liar" in every reference on the site wasn't just fun, it was legally defensible fact.

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4. The Time He Took on MMA

The lying little man made a fool of himself during a subcommittee hearing – it would be a pattern repeated over the years with increasing idiocy, as documented tirelessly by this site.

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5. The Time He Described the Trail of Tears as a “Volunteer Walk”

His comments to Fox News on the vicious forced removal of the Cherokee nation from its lands east of the Mississippi to present day Oklahoma were both stupefying and enraging, traits his name would soon become synonymous with.

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6. The Time His Barnstorming Tour Was a Hilariously Hypocritical Trump Stump

He'd been up the president's ass from day one... servile, dumb and seemingly oblivious to the hypocrisy – apparently, all qualifying conditions for a future Trump cabinet position.

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7. The Time He Shit His Pants

He was photographed cowering and shitting his pants at the Capitol, and it was a moment Patrick would never let him forget.

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8. The Time He Proudly Supported Use of Native American Mascots

Like a toddler taking his first steps, these were the early days of positioning himself as a culture warrior and proud plunger for the GOP.

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9. The Time He Moonlighted as a Commando in a Thwarted Afghanistan Rescue Mission Attempt

After shitting his pants so publicly, Machowayne had no choice but to fully and comically commit to the tough-guy act. Did we ever get the real story on this international spy-cosplay stunt?

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10. The Time He Compared His Fear of Public Transportation to the Public's Fear of Guns and School Shootings

By this point in his trajectory, we were getting used to every dopey public appearance setting a new bar for just how dumb an Oklahoma politician could be. Still, it was embarrassing.

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11. The Time He Was Endorsed by Trump for U.S. Senate

We presumed he gave better head than T.W. Shannon.

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12. The Time He Used a Booster Stool on TV

This was a psychological revelation that helped contextualize the bravado.

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13. The Time He Proved "Public Service" Helps the Rich Get Richer

Dude didn't even have $10 million to rub together before politics!

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14. The Time He Challenged a Union Boss to MMA Showdown

We all know how this would have ended – and how it would have smelled.

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15. The Time He Led a Diplomatic Mission to Turks and Caicos

Sadly, he was unable to rescue the man stranded in paradise without his wife and kids. This was the second time in a row for a macho mission to go limp.

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16. The Time He Shared a Drunk History Lesson to Inspire, Uplift… and Threaten Journalists

In yet another social media missive no one asked for, he embarrassed himself to score anti-press brownie points with the president.

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17. The Time He Revealed Epically Dumb Excuse For Not Wearing a Seatbelt

In addition to his fear of using public transportation, the insidiously idiotic congressman also fears using seat belts.

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18. The Time He Plunged for Trump in the Epstein Scandal

He plunged hard for one known deviant to deflect from association with another known deviant. Was this the thing that ultimately earned him a booster seat at Trump's table?

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19. The Time He Said "What Was We Ranked?"

Leave it to Oklahoma voters to elect a U.S. Senator who not only has the intellect and temperament of a six-year-old, but the language skills, too.

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20. The Time He Resigned to Become the Dumbest Cabinet Member in U.S. History

Oklahoma will no longer have the distinction of being represented by the dumbest senator alive. On the downside, he will now lead the nation's merry squad of masked ICE agents as the Director of Homeland Security. What could possibly go wrong?

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We hope you've enjoyed TLO's relentless lampooning of Markwayne over the years as much as we have. Something tells us there's plenty more to come. Stay with The Lost Ogle, we'll keep you advised.