As a professional satirist, even I can't make some of this shit up.
Late last night, The Washington Post reported that our favorite cage-fighting dur-hickey of a congressman – Markwayne Mullin – threatened the American ambassador to Tajikistan after they denied his emphatic request to give him cash and a helicopter so he could heroically waltz into Afghanistan and rescue some stranded Americans.
When the story first broke, the Washington Post reported that Markwayne – or should we now call him Johnmarkwayne – was AWOL and, much like his common sense, "whereabouts unknown."
This led to wild speculation about his status, and whether or not he was stranded in the Afghan mountains, holding a large bag of money, cowering in fear like he was the day of the January 6 insurrection attempt. We, naturally, had some fun with it on Twitter...
We have acquired this photo of Markwayne Mullin attempting to sneak money into Afghanistan. pic.twitter.com/EA6VSAuYVO
— The Lost Ogle (@TheLostOgle) September 1, 2021
Sorry. Sometimes I can't help but be a smartass.
The TLO photoshop treatment upset Markwayne's angry sister. She eagerly rushed to defend her cosplay commando brother on Twitter, and in the process, reminded us that ole' Markwayne wasn't the only kid in the family who probably had a plunger or three get stuck on their head as a child.
https://twitter.com/LEarleMullin/status/1432959868181299202
For what it's worth, I also CAN'T WAIT FOR THE REAL TRUTH because I assume it's hysterical. Markwayne Mullin going full MacGyver (or more like MacGruber) and attempting to rescue Americans trapped in a war zone??! In the name of the Infant Baby Jesus in Prague, I beg of you Lord, please give us all the details!
In fact, here are three questions I would love to have answered...
1. What were an American mom and her four children still doing in Afghanistan? I haven't followed the news too closely, but I think we've been at war with the Taliban for20 years or so, and it's pretty common knowledge that Afghanistan is not the safest place to visit or call home. Whatever happened to – checks GOP talking points – personal responsibility and accountability? If you're an American stuck in Afghanistan at this point, isn't that on you? In fact, it kind of makes me wonder if the "rescue mission" was nothing more than a front, and the real reason for Johnmarkwayne's secret mission was to buy black market horse dewormer for his friends back home. At last check, it's sold out at all Oklahoma Tractor Supply locations.
2. Was Markwayne acting alone on this mission, or did he have some help? Every good TV or movie action hero that Markwayne is pretending to be has a sidekick or team working with them, right? Like, maybe Jim Inhofe commandeered a helicopter from a rich pal at Grand Lake and flew Markwayne and the lady who helped "save" the Afghan robotics team behind enemy lines to rescue the family. And when they landed, maybe Kevin Stitt and a group of Azerbaijanian mercenaries were waiting for them in a black A-Team van to take them to the secret rendezvous point where the horse dewormer... err... American family was waiting for them.
3. Did Markwayne shit his pants like he did during his hero moment at the January 6th insurrection? I'm just going to assume the answer to his one is "yes."
All joking aside, Markwayne's team eventually released a statement that he was safe:
Meredith Blanford, a spokeswoman for Mullin, put out a statement saying that Mullin “has been and is currently completely safe” and that he and his office “will continue to do anything in our power to bring home all Americans from the war zone that President Biden abandoned.” The statement said the office had no further comment.
That's a relief. He may be a dumbass numbnut, but we love all the easy material provides us. Once again, even I can't make some of this shit up.
Anyway, I guess we'll continue to monitor this situation and let you know when the REAL TRUTH is revealed. Stay with The Lost Ogle. We'll keep you advised.
