Although it took several attempts, Trump’s finally found a way to get the algorithmic news media to move on from the Epstein scandal with his performative occupation of Washington DC.
Well, at least it’s “performative” for now.
If a Democrat wins the next presidential election, I have a hunch Trump will launch a much more serious, way less performative occupation of DC, but until then…
To help advance and justify the narrative to his base that DC is a violent and dangerous hellhole that requires the use of the military to keep order, Trump has summoned his propagandist political army of misfits, mouthbreathers, and morons to run into the cable news and social media void to spread fear, misinformation, and outrage.
Naturally, Oklahoma’s truck nut Senator – Markturd Mullin – ran head (ass?) first into the fray and appeared on Fox News to cast DC as a live-action Grand Theft Auto map, in the process finally explaining and justifying why he’s too cool to wear a seatbelt.
Yep, that’s right. Markwayne Mullin doesn’t wear a seatbelt in DC. Awesome news, huh?! If you have a suspended license, multiple DUIs, or drive like a cast member from Street Outlaws, I’d encourage you to check our nation’s capital for a little R&R. You’ll have a great time!
Anyway, although I totally encourage Markwayne Mullin to continue not using a seatbelt, I do have to say that his carjacking excuse is weaker than the little footstool he uses in debates.
Like, I know I’m not a low-IQ, power-hungry wannabe macho man who’s going on TV to spread misinformation and distort reality for his master, but it doesn’t make any sense!
First of all, whether you’re unbuckled or locked into a NASCAR racing harness, I really don’t think the seconds you’ll save unbuckling really matter all that much when someone’s aiming a gun at your head and asking for the car keys.
“Damn! Another carjacking foiled! I suck at this!”
“What happened?! That was a nice Jeep!”
“Well, the little dude wasn’t wearing a seatbelt, so he was able to jump out of his Jeep, grab his car keys, and then run away, and there was nothing I could do to stop him.”
In addition to defying practical logic, Markwayne’s excuse also ignores how he’d likely handle a carjacking.
As we learned on January 6th, 2021, when confronted with danger, Markwayne’s far less likely to be a hero, and far more likely to cower and shit his pants:
Seriously, that guy wants to believe the reason he doesn’t wear a seatbelt when driving is so he can turn into a superhero to avoid carjackings? Yeah right. I know his job is to go on TV and lie for his boss, but sometimes it’s okay to be honest, and simply say you don’t wear a seatbelt because you’re an overly insecure wannabe tough guy who dislikes rules when they apply to you and thinks taking safety precautions somehow makes you less masculine.
Basically, just admit you’re a lot like those people in that viral 1980s news report about DUI laws – dumb, senseless, and possibly inbred.
Stay with The Lost Ogle. We’ll keep you advised.
