It still may be scorchingly hot outside, but summertime is officially over!
Well, almost!
Over the next few weeks, Oklahoma schools all across the state – from the poorest rural public school to the scammiest online charter to the poshest private Montessori academy – will be opening their doors to students, all of whom are eager and ready to learn in the nation’s 50th-ranked public school system.
There are several storylines to watch during this school year, such as “How many books will Ryan Walters burn?”, “How many coaches will reluctantly step down for abusing students?” and “Which district will be the first to implement homeroom baptisms?”
While we wait for those stories to develop, I thought it would be fun to provide a school supply checklist for the year ahead. It’s a bit different from the one Ryan Walters submitted to us back when he was simply the unelected “Oklahoma Secretary of Education,” but still worth the read...
King James Bible
With Ryan Walters promising to force Bible curriculum upon every Oklahoma school district, make sure your kid is devoutly prepared by putting the most popular version in their blessed backpack – The King James Bible!
Commissioned in 1604 by King James I of England, this collection of ancient fables, philosophies, and myths – or as Ryan calls them, “historical lessons” – is guaranteed to both indoctrinate and educate students on the dangers of cults and organized religion.
ICE Tip Forms
Rumor has it Ryan plans to give a medal to the white Oklahoma public school student who reports the most “unauthorized immigrants” in their school, so if your little Johnny spots a suspicious-looking Juan or Josefina and thinks they may be living within our borders “illegally,” make sure he’s prepared to narc with a large stack of ICE Tip Forms!
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10 Commandments Notebook
Ryan is doing his best to ensure this list of 10 moralistic laws is displayed in every classroom, but how will you make sure your kid is being indoctrinated while they’re at home doing their homework?
Simple! Get them this 10 Commandments Notebook.
Not only will it help them memorize these "historical" laws handed down by a supernatural deity to an Egyptian atop a mountain in the form of a burning bush, but it will also ensure they remember to put no other gods before the one endorsed by the Oklahoma government.
Patriot Pencils
Nothing says academic excellence like patriotic stationery!
According to our sources, Ryan will soon mandate that – instead of the boring No. 2’s – all Oklahoma standardized tests must be completed with red, white, and blue "Patriot" pencils. This way, even if students get a low score, they'll still remember to love their country.
Plus, these pencils come with a built-in eraser that only work on answers deemed "un-American!" What's not to love!
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Discipline Scourge
Instead of sending your child to the principal’s office for a spanking during those moments they misbehave, make sure to go extra medieval and have them whip themselves with a discipline scourge!
Endorsed by St. Isidore of Seville Catholic Virtual School, it will teach your kid personal responsibility, and perhaps even lead to greater childhood trauma than traditional corporal punishment.
Censorship Scissors and/or Matchbook & Kerosene
Make sure your kid is prepared to help Ryan take on public school library porn with a pair of censorship scissors and/or a matchbook and kerosene.
The scissors will come in handy whenever they spot a dirty word, image, or something else that ultra-conservatives find offensive, easily allowing them to cut out any objectionable language or image.
They’ll need the matchbook and kerosene for the organized book burnings I bet Ryan will announce any day now.
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Rosary Beads
If your public school student is having trouble memorizing their daily classroom prayers, get them some rosary beads. Not only will it help them remember who and what to pray for each morning, but it will also help them fend off woke liberals, library QR codes, and CRT spirits!
Flask for Teacher
Every August and September in Oklahoma, we're usually greeted by a news story or two or three about a teacher showing up drunk to school. With Ryan Walters in charge of things, I guess you can’t blame them! As a result, make sure it’s easy for your student’s teacher to conceal their booze with a nondescript flask!
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St. Benedict Medal
If the rosary beads don’t keep the woke liberals, library QR codes, and CRT spirits at bay, provide added protection with a St. Benedict Medal. It may even combat trans athletes, drag queen teachers, and DEI!
Commercial Drivers License Learner's Permit
With Ryan encouraging Oklahoma students to chase their dreams and become truck drivers, make sure they’re prepared for driver's ed by getting them a CDL learner's permit. They’ll be long-haulin’ across the heart of the highway in no time!
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Anyway, this concludes our checklist. If you have anything you want to add, leave a comment.
Stay with The Lost Ogle. We’ll keep you advised.
