Oklahoma is Better Than Wherever the Hell You’re From
10:51 AM EDT on August 28, 2017
I just want to start this article by apologizing to you, my dear, sweet Oklahoma. From your waving wheat and Red Dirt music, to your science-illiterate senators and closed liquors stores on Sundays, there are many things that define this beautiful state. And for a time, I forgot how unique and special you are. I have written too many articles poking fun of your antics and lawmakers. But here I am, returning to you with my tail between my legs like the prodigal son. Except I am a chick. But that doesn’t really matter. You get what I am saying.
I spent the last week in Indiana. But not just any part of Indiana. Indianapolis, Indiana.
I honestly thought about making a joke about how Indianapolis really just translates to Indiana City, which is the least creative name to give a city. Then I remembered that I live in Oklahoma City. We didn’t even try to name it anything cool like Oklahomopolis. So in some ways we are even lamer than Indianapolis.
But in many ways, Oklahoma is much cooler than Indianapolis. I was traveling to this city to attend the nation’s largest board game convention with the nerd I married. A city cannot be much lamer than being the host of a board game convention. In fact, I firmly believe that Oklahoma City would be the kid to shove Indianapolis into a locker. But Oklahoma is not only superior to Indiana, but also to many other states and regions. So here is proof Oklahoma is better than wherever in the hell you’re from.
Oklahoma is Better than Indiana
Like pants in Wal-Mart, yearly dental check-ups in Midwest City, and fireworks expiration dates, Oklahomans have always treated stop signs like suggestions. So it makes sense that our great state was the birthplace of yield signs, the traffic signal with the loosest of interpretations. Indiana, on the other hand, is home to approximately forty-nine billion roundabouts. No, not like the cute little roundabout in Mid Town that takes you and your date for a spin past Kaisers. I am talking about two and three lane roundabouts that force you to pray to numerous gods that you will make it out alive and without a car insurance claim. Forget the annual board game convention. Indiana’s abundance of roundabouts alone makes Oklahoma better in comparison.
Oklahoma is Better than Michigan
Michigan is home to Kid Rock. You made that, Michigan. There is absolutely no redemption from it.
Oklahoma is Better than Mississippi and Arkansas
US News ranked Oklahoma as being the 48th worst state when it comes to access to healthcare. That means in Oklahoma you will only have to sell one kidney to afford your open-heart surgery, whereas in Mississippi and Arkansas it will cost you both.
Oklahoma is Better than the Coast
According to the National Ocean Service, 39% of the US population lives in a coastal city. Reasons for living near a shoreline may include a significant increase in mental wellbeing, easy access to the beach, and a decreased chance of running into Aaron Tuttle in Sprouts. Many of you are probably thinking it is hard for Oklahoma to beat those qualities. However, living next to the ocean means you are living well within the domain of Cthulhu, the octopus-like deity that lives below the waves and makes onlookers go mad. According to H.P. Lovecraft, when the cultists awaken the beast, it will be the coastal cities that will be the first to go insane. Thus central states like Oklahoma are a better place to live and survive.
Oklahoma is Better than like 40 Other States
Last Monday, the United States was treated with its first solar eclipse in nearly 50 years. While places like Missouri and Kentucky provided onlookers with the ring of totality, Oklahoma only received some spooky shadows and an increase in disability claims for retina damage. However, in 2045 our state will be smack dab in the middle of the zone of totality, which for about a minute will make Oklahoma better than the 40 states outside of that zone.
Oklahoma is Better than the Industrialized World
On our way out of Oklahoma last week, we stopped at a truck stop for our first of many pee breaks and to browse the Oklahoma-themed shot glasses, postcards, and other completely useless souvenirs. One such knick-knack was a magnet that listed 5 weird Oklahoma laws. One of the laws listed stated that it is illegal to go whaling in Oklahoma, which is oddly true. However, it is illegal to whale throughout most countries now anyway. So why does that make Oklahoma better? Because while most countries outlawed whaling in 1986, Oklahoma had already done so in 1974. When it comes to wildlife conservation, it is safe to say that Oklahoma is superior to most industrialized nations. It is probably the only reason the Catoosa blue whale has not been hunted to extinction.
Oklahoma is Better than Heaven
Oral Roberts University is home to the world’s largest set of praying hands. Suck it, angels, Jesus, and Ronald Reagan. You have some work to do up there.
Oklahoma is Better than the Ghost of Oklahoma Past
Oklahoma has grown up quite a bit over the last 15 years. Even though mom still insists on Red Lobster when she comes to visit, downtown OKC has been rejuvenated with restaurants and breweries galore. The state also has a professional sportsball team to its name and most Braum's have been remodeled to get rid of the old wood paneling behind the ice cream menus. Things are getting pretty good here. However, I am ready to live in Oklahoma future, where Medicaid is funded, the teachers are paid well, and you can buy a damn bottle of wine on Sunday.
I still don’t update this like I should. Direct all questions, concerns, and whatever emoji-filled millennial stuff you feel the need to share to @squirrellygeek on twitter.
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