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5 Illegal Fireworks You Can Only Find On The Black Market…

5:04 AM EDT on June 22, 2017

A couple of years ago, TLO editor Patrick gave me $20 and sent me to the outskirts of town to write an article about fireworks. When I did, it was met with resounding jeers, leading many readers to not only publicly question my mostly hetero sexuality, but basic manhood as well for what was apparently considered a weaker-than-weak selection of patriotism-based explosives.

That’s Oklahoma for you.

Lesson learned, when I was asked to write about fireworks this year, I wasn’t about to make the same mistake. Carrying just a little over $750 in dirty cash, a loaded .45 hidden under the driver’s seat and a case of trucker’s strength Mini-Thins, I spent the past weekend combing the dusty backroads of Oklahoma, stopping at hush-hush fireworks stands in towns that don’t even have names, making deals in shady backrooms with shadier men for, as one procurer told me, “the shit they don’t even have in Mexico yet.”

And with that, at a great cost to my life and liberty, here are five of the best illegal fireworks, barely available on the black market and attained only through the most life-threatening of means, some of which included paying off numerous small-town redneck sheriffs, becoming the short-lived kingpin of a clandestine cockfighting ring and smuggling a few cases of Coors across state lines, all done in an effort to help you, the reader, sexually overcompensate and feel like a real Goddamned man in the comments section. ¡Cómpralo ya!

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The Red-Headed Kid Down the Street Who Hurts Animals

In every neighborhood, from Mesta Park to Oliver Park, there’s always that one sadistic, mostly-unsupervised, little red-headed bastard that takes great delight in causing localized pain and suffering, from brutally picking on the other kids to shooting squirrels with a BB gun and hiding their corpses in a shoebox under his bed. More apt at stealing summertime childhood innocence than a character in a Ray Bradbury short story, here’s the “Red-Headed Kid Down the Street Who Hurts Animals” firecracker set, specifically designed for animal rectums, frog mouths and whatever else it takes to satisfy the creepy little jerk’s sociopathic bloodlust, at least until he attends the University of Oklahoma and joins a fraternity.

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The Big-Azz Okie Toilet-Cracker

One of life’s greatest disappointments as a surly teenager who is in the process of falling in with the wrong crowd is dropping an illicit M-80 down a random commode, only to witness a small glurg and a limp fizzle. Why waste money on those embarrassing let-downs when the Big Azz Okie Toilet Cracker has finally hit our shores? Smuggled here in an unmarked shipping container from an unnamed Asian country, the Okie is 20 volatile grams of pyrotechnic flash powder, tightly packed to a near breaking point, often times exploding without even being lit. Fling this into any school, mall or fast-food toilet for extreme porcelain destruction to the max, ultimately making you the king of the smoker’s corner. (Large Slayer patch and jean-jacket with the sleeves cut off not included.)

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The Devil Dong

No one knows quite exactly where the Devil Dong came from, or exactly how much power it truly holds. Some say it was first concocted by medieval alchemists trying to contain pure heretical hellfire, while others claim it was the result of famed rocket scientist Jack Parsons' secret experimentations with Thelemic magick. Perhaps most famously used exclusively in the secret celebrations of Bohemian Grove, nothing completes your own backyard summer solstice tribute to the dark god Moloch quite like a Devil Dong, a never ending flash of molten flame, each seed-like spark giving unholy birth to a demonic homunculus specifically designed to craft unending chaos in Satan’s name. Buy one, get two free!

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The American Patriot Supreme 'Splosion Value Flack-Pack

Everyone, and I do mean everyone, loves those comedically large value packs of fireworks, but to lug those cumbersome boxes and bricks back and forth can be so tiring, taking all of the fun out of celebrating America and all that we have sacrificed for her in the name of God and country—there’s got to be an easier way! Classic technology and modern know-how come together, finally, to form this stylish, wearable fireworks attaché that will be “da bomb” at any 4th of July celebration, pre-loaded with eight premium TNT-quality fireworks that, with one push of a button, will ignite its wearer into a one-man flash and bang lightshow that will shock and awe even the most commie of your neighbors into God-fearin’ flag-lovin’ Americans. It’s truly MAGA-nificent!

The Tiajuana Finger Splitter

Growing up in Oklahoma, as soon as your motor skills are somewhat functioning, inevitably someone will place a firecracker in those tiny, delicate toddler hands. Some kids are smart enough to throw them immediately, a preternatural instinct of self-preservation kicking in. But, then there are those li’l daredevils that, with a coy smirk, like to play chicken with the fuse and with their life, addicted to the adrenaline like it were suckled milk straight from mama’s teat. So for those crowd-pleasing kids being chided on by their drunken father as an even drunkener uncle films the ordeal on his prepaid Tracfone, there’s the Tiajuana (sic) Finger Splitter. Because you’re never too young to learn your limitations, or lack thereof.

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This article is complete satire. The only fireworks I’ve bought are those new limited edition Firework Oreos. Follow Louis on Twitter at @LouisFowler.

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