5 Oklahoma State Fair Foods That are Blasphemous Affronts to God

You know, it’s one thing to go to the Great State Fair of Oklahoma and enjoy an Indian Taco or a Giant Turkey Leg. It’s alright to fancy a tall lemonade and revel in a super-long corndog. Heck, I’ll even give you the okay to share a funnel cake with some whipped cream and strawberries on top with your fellow Midway-minions and TNT Building piss-trough pals.

But…there are certain culinary domains full of food-based evils man was not designed to tamper with, egregious snacks that were sacrilegiously designed to not only tempt the apparition of Death himself, but taunt him outright to his pale white skeleton face, bloatedly daring him—begging him—to reach deep into our tightening chests and squeeze every ounce of la vida loca from our enlarged, clogged hearts.

Here are five State Fair foods—five edible Lament Configurations, if you will—that nothing good can ever come from opening, either purposefully or out of curiosity. These are five diabolical treats where, if immediately after eating, you slump to the ground with a massive coronary near the Made in Oklahoma building, you can’t say you weren’t warned. Forgive us Lord, for we know not what we do…

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Deep-Fried Bacon Cheddar Mashed Potatoes On-A-Stick

Mashed potatoes are very much a delicious side dish to any meal. They are an American staple that conjures up some of the best meals we’ve ever had with friends and family. They were designed to be properly scooped on to plate, maybe with some gravy gently ladled on top as an extra special treat. In no way were they designed to be deep-fried with bacon and cheddar and then placed on stick to nosh on while you wait in line to see Blood, Sweat and Tears featuring Bo Bice. Can we please save the mashed potatoes for the holidays? Can we, guys? This is why we have ribbon fries.

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Chocolate-Covered Bacon Walking Taco

Thank you, industrious Mexicans, for crafting the walking taco. What an ingenious way to snack: open a bag of Fritos, pour in some beans and/or meat, some lettuce and tomatoes, maybe a little sour cream and off you go. Sure, it’s not the best thing you can eat, but do we, as Americans, really need to sexually defile it by adding crispy strips of chocolate-covered bacon to the proceedings? Is there a moment where we can go by, as a people, without the need for chocolate and pork being shoveled down our collective gullets at all times? The walking taco is perfect by itself, it doesn’t need your help, Oklahoma State Fair.

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Chicken Alfredo Calzone

It’s supposed to be mostly in the high 80s throughout the week, with little bursts of rain here and there that will, just as quickly as it comes, will dry up and create that special kind of uncomfortable humidity that causes your thighs to rub together and chafe a-somethin’ fierce. And now, as sweat drips down your forehead and that 3 p.m. fair-sluggishness starts to set in, picture yourself greedily carbo-loading on a hot chicken Alfredo calzone, all of that creamy, thick Alfredo sauce bubbling down your chin and onto your brand new leather Looney Tunes jacket. Why not chug a couple of glasses of warm chocolate milk while you’re at it? That’s a burn you’re gonna feel all the way back to your car parked over at Whittaker’s.

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Oklahoma Sweet Tea Glazed Fried Chicken

 Nothing screams “Gammy done lost her feets to the Sugars!” like basting and marinating and broiling and glazing your fried chicken in sweet tea. Fried chicken is naturally delicious; I’m not here to say otherwise. And while sweet tea ain’t my thang, I get it. It’s a nice, traditional Southern accoutrement to the aforementioned fried chicken. But, gasp and swoon, my good sir, are we that lazy as a society that we have to combine the two? Is it really that necessary to cut out the middle-man in this venture? You are literally getting less exercise by eating the sweet tea glazed fried chicken than if you sat in your car out back behind the KFC eating a bucket of original recipe while separately sipping sweet tea in-between the greasy tears of your past romantic failures.

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Deep-Fried Fruit Kabob

Our Lord God, in all of his ultimate wisdom, knew that humans would enjoy a little sweetness with the salty and sour so, as a gift to mankind he crafted the all-natural, edible wonder of the world that is fruit, specially made for your enjoyment, a little taste of all the good things He has to offer in Heaven. But, like a modern-day Sodom, we have collectively extended a big middle-finger up to the sky and pridefully told Him we can improve upon His creation by taking those blessed strawberries, pineapples, bananas and melons and deep-frying them in scalding hot animal fat. Combine this with the chocolate fountain at Golden Corral and all the signs of the end times are plain to see. See you in line to get seconds on the Mark of the Beast, amigo.

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Louis Fowler has no one to share his Indian Taco with. Follow him on Twitter at @LouisFowler.