5 Places That Should “Brexit” from Oklahoma
9:15 AM EDT on June 30, 2016
The exit of Britain from the European Union—or Brexit, if you will—has already started to inspire many Americans, namely Texas, of course, to chart their own hilarious course for succession, lest our next President be a socialist or woman. If you don't believe me, ask any rural Grandpa within a five-foot-radius of an easy chair and one year of free DirecTV for his opinion on the matter.
With the mighty-ish kingdom of Britain pulling off a feat that most right-wingers were too chicken-shit to do during the Obama years, the fascistic spell of nationalism is slowly creeping it’s way across the Atlantic, and it’s wearing a red hat that screams “Make America Great Again!", giving newfound courage to those whose only prior form of protest includes greeting the President while holding a Confederate flag and writing rude notes on dinner receipts.
As we ponder where this country is headed over the next four years, let’s all imagine a few Oklahoma locales that you just know would high-tail it the first chance they get and, as an added bonus, instead of fighting it, why not just let them? Be it for imagined loss of freedoms or absolute sheer embarrassment, here's five Okie locales that would be justified in their own private Brexit.
1. Elohim City
Things have been quiet from this private community in Adair County that practically sits as the state capitol for the right-wing Christian Identity movement, but you just gotta wonder what’s brewing lately at this white supremacist colony made up of Neo-Nazis and undercover FBI agents. Also known as “the city that’s inspired a thousand lazy alt-weekly cover stories,” Elohim City is one of the reasons why this really isn’t a great state or what (not that I wouldn’t pay good money to see that Lucas Ross-hosted segment) and asks the question is there such as thing as forced succession on sheer principle? Let them have their freedom to secede from Oklahoma, and good riddance.
2. Valley Brook
With their official city seal being a woman in a Confederate bikini holding an AR-15 (or something else that should be similarly confiscated and banned), this plot of strip-clubs and cop cars are the last remaining vestiges of the good ol’ boy 70s, a rip-roarin' town straight from the cutting room floor of a Joe Don Baker action-flick, cedar club not included. I would love for Valley Brook to secede from Oklahoma City just to see it become the "Tijuana of the Bible Belt," a turgid town full of desperate men and scarlet women, randy collegians looking for a good time and old scoundrels looking for a place to die. There's a whole tourism industry in Valley Brook just waiting to be exploited and getting away from the laws of America is the only way to do it.
With a median income and property values that are starting to make Nichols Hills look like, oh, I don’t know, Crown Heights, driving through the gated, green rolling hills of gorgeous Gallardia, it is truly like entering a different world, one outside Oklahoma City, perhaps one based in a more prosperous alternate timeline. Like the kind of alternate timeline that would have voted in The Purge like it were a how-to documentary. As a matter of fact, I’m willing to bet that if all the HOAs could really get together and secede from Edmond, next March 21, they’ll be praising the New Founding Fathers on this glorious day of rebirth and freeing the beast for real.
4. The Plaza District
While the Plaza District is a very nice place to do $6 yoga, eat hip-hop appropriated pizza and worship a more liberal version of God, it’s brutally obvious that most of the hipster denizens there wish that it wasn’t in Oklahoma City. Speaking to any of them, with the exception of a forced interest in OKC Thunder murals, it’s easy to see that being in the Metro, having to mingle with the snow-cone loving homeless fat people, just eats away at them and their American Apparel tees featuring Indian nickel buffaloes on them. Maybe a district succession and a ten-foot wall (built by neighborhood Mexicans, of course) will prove popular enough to have them adopted by Austin or Portland or, oh my Liberal God, maybe even Williamsburg?
At first I was thinking something pithy such as the Governor’s Mansion should secede—shine your dim light down upon me, P.J. O’Rourke—but in light of yesterday’s story about the creep who left an anti-gay slur as a tip on his receipt—sorry, but that brought back all those memories of America’s least-favorite favorite bar and grill, Gary’s Chicaros Club. (By the way, has anyone figured out what a Chicaros is? Sound kinda Mexican to me…) It’s hard to forget that slimeball owner’s Channel 4 interview where he proudly said he doesn’t want to serve the epithets for blacks and homosexuals and to see that recepit, you gotta ask is there something in the water? Here’s to hoping Enid secedes from Oklahoma, lest we get back so much of our diversity cred that’s been destroyed when filthy laundry like this is aired all over not only America, but the entire laughing and pointing world. Sometimes secession is a good thing.
Louis Fowler doesn't know the difference between an AR-15 and a shotgun. Follow him on Twitter at @LouisFowler.