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10 things Oklahoma should apologize for

8:44 AM EDT on July 15, 2015


So, it seems that everyone is on that Oklahoma lovin' bandwagon these days. And sure, Oklahoma has come a long way since back in the day before we had an NBA team. We've got all sorts of cool things that we never had before, like hip kids in t-shirts with Oklahomas on them. That's a pretty big deal, I guess.

But not all is well in the state of Oklahoma. There are a few things that we have let go on for too long. And for that, we need to really think about what want the rest of the country to think of when they think of us. It may just be time that we apologize for some of the things that we've brought upon the country. And with that, I give you 10 things Oklahoma should apologize for.


1. Parking meter

I guess if you’re the sort of evildoer who likes to profit from parking spaces, then the parking meter is a great invention. For the rest of us, though, it’s really a terrible creation that ruins our lives by causing us to get tickets because we aren’t quick enough to throw more dollars in the meter. These things, while they were conceived in Oklahoma, have spread all over the world and for that, we really should give everyone a big ol’ we’re sorry card.



2. Poisonous spiders

Sure, you can find poisonous spiders anywhere. But there isn’t a single person reading this that doesn’t currently have a black widow somewhere inside their home. You may think you’ve sprayed enough, or that your squash-to-kill policy when it comes to spiders is enough to keep you safe. It’s not. They are everywhere, especially after all this rain. So just think about that, as your toes graze the baseboard of your kitchen cabinets tonight while you’re making dinner. And because we don’t give out-of-towners enough warning about our creepy spider problem, we really should apologize.


Toby Keith performs @ Aarons Amphitheater @ Lakewood in Atlanta Ga. 8-2412 Lisa Keel/ 2012

3. Toby Keith

Seriously, if the man isn’t falling down drunk while he’s singing stupid songs, he’s writing xenophobic love ballads to jingoism. America, we’re sorry about him.



4. Elizabethtown

Remember that movie? It’s okay if you don’t. Some of it was filmed in Oklahoma. And, you know, this isn’t 100% on us. Cameron Crowe should apologize too.


5. Braum’s

Look. These burgers are delicious. The ice cream is a small miracle. If I could enter into a legal marital union with those crinkle cut fries, I WOULD. But Braum’s now has locations in Kansas and Missouri, which means that Braum’s service model of taking 40 years to give you the wrong order has moved out of state. So, sorry Kansas and Missouri. It’s always delicious, even if they give you the wrong order.


Dr. Phil

6. Dr. Phil

Look, if America wanted folksy life advice about how to pick yourself up and get a good attitude, they would probably call their grandparents. There’s no reason this Oklahoma native needs to dole out swill on TV. Sorry about him, America. But just stop watching and he’ll go away.


7. Voicemail

So, turns out voicemail was patented by a Tulsan in the 1970s. Look down at your phone right now. How many voicemail notifications do you have? About a million? Are you ever going to listen to them? Nope. Sorry, world. Voicemail is the worst.



8. Sam Walton

What’s worse? A chain store that keeps popping up all over the country and is notorious for underpaying its workers, or the man who started it all? Sorry about Sam Walton, America. And we’re sorry about that new Walmart that is probably about to be built in the field where you played sports as a kid.


Hobby Lobby

9. Hobby Lobby

Regardless of where you stand on political issues, we as a state need to apologize for all the “Live, Laugh, Love” and chevron decor.


fallin lankford kern

10. Our politicians

Not all our politicians are terrible. In fact, there are a few shining examples of genuine human goodness amongst them. However, it seems like the plagiarizing, inhumane, uninformed idiots take up all the attention. And for that, we apologize.

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