We’re on a mission, and only the sky – and/or FAA regulations – can stop us!
After consulting with local bankers, venture capitalists, and – most importantly – PR professionals who told us it’s yet another way to dupe the media into giving us more publicity for our far-fetched project, The Lost Ogle is proud to announce we’ve secured $6.9 billion in financing and are pretty much ready to probably build our 2,500-foot-tall TLO “Tower of Excellence” in downtown Oklahoma City.
In case you forgot, the TLO Tower of Excellence will be the largest man-made structure in the known universe and will be located just across the street from the OKC Cock Ring.
If all of this sounds familiar, perhaps like something I stole verbatim from earlier articles, don’t worry. It totally is.
We actually announced that we secured our funding and were ready to start construction over a year ago, but with both News 9 and KOCO Channel 5 recently recycling 16-month-old news that our equally far-fetched rival project – The Boardwalk in Bricktown – has secured funding and will “likely” break ground at some point in the future, I felt I might as well remind everyone.
With that out of the way, let’s take a look at the Bricktown project. According to News 9, someone was crazy enough to give the developer a $700 million loan:
A major Bricktown development project is moving forward and has secured full funding, according to developer Scott Matteson.
Matteson confirmed the $700 million Boardwalk at Bricktown is now fully financed. Phase one, which includes new apartments and a hotel, could break ground later this year.
The project also still includes plans for Legends Tower, which at nearly 2,000 feet would be one of the tallest buildings in the country. Matteson said the tower remains in development.
Yep, that’s right. According to Scott Matteson – the mysterious out-of-state developer whose main claim to fame is making an appearance on a Bravo! realty show – funding has been secured and ground will be broken! Cool stuff!
Here’s what News 9 had to say about the terms of the loan, the construction site manager, and which bank, private equity group, or sovereign wealth fund was dumb enough to finance it:
Yep. Crickets. News 9 didn’t mention all that other stuff. They basically just amplified the guy’s old claims without any sort of fact-checking or verification. You know, fake news-type journalism.
Inspired by this act of modern-day journalistic excellence, KOCO also filed a hard-hitting report that confirmed the breaking news that the developers – who have been teasing the project for years – are now “ready to begin” construction:
Developers are ready to begin construction on the Boardwalk at Bricktown, a $2.5 billion entertainment and residential project in Oklahoma City, marking the first phase of a development that has attracted international attention.
"Then there's 200,000 feet of approximate retail space, which is mainly restaurant and entertainment space with a little bit of retail space,” said Scot Matteson, the president and CEO of Matteson Capital.
That’s nice. When I drive by all the empty bars and restaurants in downtown OKC on a Tuesday night, the first thing that pops into my head is – you know, we could really use 200,000 extra feet of retail and event space around here.
According to Matteson, they want the project to be completed by the time the Olympics get here:
At five million square feet, the Boardwalk at Bricktown is one of several major development projects planned for downtown Oklahoma City in the coming years, alongside a new professional soccer stadium, sports district, and Oklahoma City Thunder arena.
“We want to be open before the Olympics come to town,” Matteson said.
Yep, they want the Boardwalk in Bricktown open in three years. I have to say, that sounds totally feasible and realistic, and doesn’t in any way make me further doubt or question the legitimacy of the project. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go book my early-bird reservations for the American Heartland Amusement Park.
Anyway, although the Bricktown Boardwalk is stealing all the headlines and attention, I’m happy to report that things are going great with the TLO Tower of Excellence.
Although we’ve had trouble figuring out how the giant milk bottle on top operates, we’ve recently selected Skyscrapers by Tabor as our general contractor and are super duper ready to start groundbreaking and all that stuff. Ideally, we’ll have everything completed by the time the Paralympics come to town, so mark your calendars.
Stay with The Lost Ogle. We’ll keep you advised.
