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James Lankford doesn’t understand Dr. Seuss

9:00 AM EDT on August 19, 2014

As we like to remind you, Oklahoma has some pretty stupid politicians. Therefore, you shouldn't be surprised when they start quoting Dr. Seuss on Facebook:

james lankford abortion

Geeze, let's hope nobody ever reads to him the Berenstain Bears classic "Mamma Gets an Abortion." James may pass out.

The problem with Lankford using this often recited quote is that Dr. Seuss was apparently pro-choice. Also, he was very much against other people using his work to further their political agenda. Check out this NPR report from the premier of the "Horton Hears a Who" movie:

ZoBell, an attorney, has represented the interests of Dr. Seuss, or Theodor Geisel, for some 40 years. After the show, ZoBell saw the demonstrators handing out anti-abortion flyers designed to resemble movie tickets. Geisel's widow, Audrey Geisel, was there — and ZoBell says none of this sat well with her.

"She doesn't like people to hijack Dr. Seuss characters or material to front their own points of view," ZoBell said.

Some anti-abortion Web sites say Audrey Geisel supports Planned Parenthood. ZoBell says he's never discussed such matters with her or her late husband, and that the Geisels never wanted Dr. Seuss characters used to advance any political purpose. But it happens more often than you might think.

So the pro-life movement accuses Dr. Seuss's widow of supporting Planned Parenthood, but still uses his words for their movement? That would be like Gandhi using quotes from Hitler... or maybe Eva Braun would be more accurate.

Honestly, I'm not 100% sure what Horton Hears a Who is about. I think Dr. Seuss was trying to say that midgets are people... not fetuses. But one thing I am sure about is James Lankford should write his own stuff instead of twisting around the words of others. Here's an example:

A person's a person, no matter how small.
In fact, I have millions and they're inside my ball.

Women aren't smart, as it says in the Bible.
But don't quote me on that because it is libel.

I won't let women choose what they do with their body,
because I get money from the Hobby Lobby.

So what goes through James Lankford's head when reading Dr. Seuss books? I'm glad you asked, I've compiled a list of them:

1.) The Lorax

James Lankford probably thinks The Lorax is a story about an EPA that is out of control. These damn environmentalists will stop at nothing to destroy capitalism and put oil companies out of business.  As we all know, a tree isn't as fun to climb as a pump jack. The moral of the story: God gave us earth to exploit, and these damn hippies need to be stopped, because jobs and the Bible and stuff.

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2.) How the Grinch Stole Christmas

When James reads this story to his children he probably thinks it's a story about how the liberal and gay agenda are trying to persecute Christians and take away Christmas. Or he could side with the Grinch and think it's about an innovative guy who is willing to work hard and therefore deserves more, even though it means other people will be left with nothing. Probably depends on his mood.

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3.) Yertle the Turtle

This is a fantastic story about how some people are only put on this earth to serve you. Don't worry about walking all over them, that's what God put them here for! Feel free to use these people to raise yourself up the socio-economic ladder. But in the end, the lowly idiots you used to get to the top will screw everything up and you'll come toppling down. The moral of the story--don't trust peons.

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4.) The Butter Battle Book

This is an awesome book about mutually assured destruction. See, in the book there are two societies, the Yooks and the Zooks, who just can't seem to get along. Much like the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Or USSR and USA during the Cold War. Because the Yooks eat their bread butter-side up and the Zooks eat their bread butter-side down, they think the other infidels and will stop at nothing to destroy each other. This book is probably easier for to Lankford to understand than Revelations. The moral of the story: stop at nothing to destroy your enemy. Embracing people's differences is for sissies.

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5.) Oh The Places You'll Go

This was Dr. Seuss's final book, published in 1990. James Lankford probably received it as a gift when he graduated from Texas. When he read it, he probably found it to be like an Ayn Rand book he could comprehend. It preaches individualism and basically says we are alone in this world to make choices, and sometimes we'll make the wrong ones, but it's okay because life has a way of working out for white Republicans.

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I hope you enjoyed this post on your screen.
I want you to go out and make lots of green.

Go vote for people who are smart, good and meek,
not gingers from Texas who ran the Falls Creek.

If you want to read jokes that will make your heart flitter,
go follow @SpencerLenox on the website called Twitter.

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