As a wise man once said, sometimes you can’t make this stuff up.
In what was obviously a coordinated attempt to make me late for Friday happy hour, both The Oklahoman and Yawn Doc reported earlier this afternoon that Ryan Walters – the state school superintendent who’s apparently working a bit too hard to drive porn out of school libraries, cafeterias, and study halls – inadvertently shared a graphic “retro” nude scene on a TV in his office during a closed session of yesterday’s state board meeting.
Yep, that’s right. Ryan Walters – or some pesky hacker! – is watching dirty movies in his office. These GOP moral hypocrites are getting way too good at projection, aren’t they?
According to The Oklahoman, I guess Ryan and some board members had a quick closed-door session in his office “to discuss teacher licensing, student attendance appeals and other sensitive issues” with various groups and individuals.
Ryan was apparently meeting with a student’s parent or something like that and had his back to the TV when new board member Becky Carson first noticed some old-school nipples and retro bush on the screen. You know, the type of stuff you'd see in one of the old video shops Steve Lackmeyer profiled a year ago.
Via The Oklahoman:
Carson said the images caught her eye during the meeting. “And I was like, ‘Those are naked women,’” she said. "And then I was like, ‘No, wait a minute. Those aren’t naked, surely those aren’t naked women. Something is playing a trick on my eye. Maybe they just have on tan bodysuits. … This is just really bizarre.’
“I saw them just walking across the screen, and I’m like, ‘No.’ I’m sorry I even have to use this language, but I’m like, ‘Those are her nipples.’ And then I’m like, ‘That’s pubic hair.’ What in the world am I watching? I didn’t watch a second longer. … I was so disturbed by it, I was like, ‘What is on your TV?’ I was very stern, like I’d been a mother or a classroom teacher. And I said, ‘What am I watching? Turn it off now!’”
"It looked like it was made in the ’60s, maybe," she said.
Yep, that’s right. Not only is Ryan watching nudie flicks in his office, but old-school retro underground nudie flicks!
With Ryan being a student of history and everything, I guess that’s not too surprising. If anything, we should be relieved he wasn’t watching any movies that starred his pal Corey DeAngelis!
In addition to The Oklahoman, Nathaniel H.P. Archibald Savage Cobblepot the III, IVth and Vth with Yawn Doc covered the news like a pasty on a nipple.
He apparently reached out to Ryan’s newest Texas PR flack – something called a Quinton Hitchcock – to confirm the board members' comments. Check out this response:
Asked about the situation, Walters’ latest director of communications, Quinton Hitchcock, responded with a pointed statement Friday afternoon.
“What an absolute joke of a story and this is embarrassing from you to write a junk tabloid lie,” Hitchcock wrote in an email. “Any number of people have access to these offices, you have a hostile board who will say and do anything except tell the truth, and now, ‘NonsenseDoc’ is reporting on an alleged random TV cable image. Rock solid truth in journalism.”
Random TV cable image? I know it’s been a while since I’ve had cable, but as any hormonal teen who grew up in the pre-nudity-on-demand era of the 1980s and 1990s can tell you, they don’t start showing nudity and stuff until the evening hours!
Even then, it was usually on the pay channels like HBO, Showtime or Cinemax. Do we need to file an open records request to view Ryan’s Cox cable bill or something?
Here’s more:
Asked whether his reference to “a junk tabloid lie” means that he is claiming the video incident did not happen, Hitchcock responded: “Go get a job at The Lost Ogle and let us know when you are going to write a real story.”
Yep, that’s totally real!
After all these years, we finally got a shout-out from the Ryan Walters administration… and it happened when they were answering a question from another media outlet about the nude scene Ryan played on the TV in his office while meeting with board members!
That’s about as cool as getting a free cup of coffee from the Harbor Mountain Coffee House!
Also, although I appreciate Quinton recommending that Trey come work for us, I think I’ll have to pass. We’re way too lowbrow. Plus, our readers already have a hard enough time staying awake.
Obviously, the big question here is what movie, TV show, or 1960s sex education video was playing on the TV. Here’s a description from the board members:
While both board members described the footage as “retro” in nature but not involving sexual intercourse, Deatherage recalled seeing multiple nude women on the screen and some sort of “chiropractic table.” He found Walters’ reaction to the situation confounding.
“I don’t know if he turned it off or switched the channel, I don’t remember,” Deatherage said. “I was surprised that when he came back to the table, he was not apologetic. I didn’t ever hear an apology for that being on, and he didn’t seem to be fazed that it was on.”
Carson said Walters “blew it off” and acted as if he had “just been caught” in an embarrassing situation.
“Like a teenager when you walk in the room and they’re doing something they’re not supposed to be doing,” Carson said.
Yeah, I can't blame Ryan for being embarrassed. That's why you should never let someone scroll through your Internet history, thumb through your iPhone photo library, or – uhm – watch the TV in your office unless you make sure it's safe first.
Anyway, as I mentioned, I ditched happy hour to get this article up while it’s still relatively current. I’m sure we’ll have more on this hysterical, dumb, and very fitting subject next week.
Stay with The Lost Ogle. We’ll keep you advised.