And the 2013 TLO “Oklahoman of the Year” is…

With today being the last day of 2013, I guess we should go ahead name our 2013 Oklahoman of the Year.

Before we get to that, let's take a look at some of the finalists that barely missed out on the honor:

Annette-Colbert Latham

Whether it's a scam or not, if you trick the local media into thinking that Bravo! seriously wants to produce a "The Real Housewives of Oklahoma City," you deserve some sort of honor.

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"She Wants the D" guy...

We were originally going to go with the Oklahoma atheist, but she's earned over $100,000 for not believing in God. You can't earn over $100,000 for not believing in anything and be a finalist for Oklahoman of the Year. Instead, let's recognize the dude who broke out the shirt he wears to Coyote Ugly to help with tornado relief and rescue efforts.

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Derplahomans

You know how Time magazine will occasionally get all abstract and name "America" or "The Whistleblowers" or "The Peacemakers" as its person of the year? Well, we nearly did the same for Derplahomans. These folks had one hell of year. Their American flags, crazed rants and irrational vitriolic hate for the president (and other things they can't comprehend) dominated local Facebook timelines and the bumper stickers of local Wal-Mart parking lots. Here's hoping they keep it up in 2014.

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Thayer Evans

Okay, so he may not be the best investigative reporter in the world and his hair looks like it was styled in a wind tunnel, but Thayer Evans deserves some credit for making every Oklahoma State fan in the country hate him. I've tried to accomplish that on this site for several years, and so far, have come up short. That's probably because OSU fans have grown immune to silly jokes about their inferior, tradition-lacking football program and overrated basketball team. Maybe I should start misquoting Aso Pogi and conduct my own investigation in the Orange Pride hostess program. That will fire them up.

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The Pooping Tom

If we were naming the Oklahoma 'Idiot of the Year," this guy would win running away. Or would it be the woman who hid the loaded gun in her vagina? Or maybe the guy who shit his pants while unsuccessfully trying to rob a payday loan store. Or perhaps the lady who tried to sell her kids on Facebook? Hmmn, maybe we should have named a "2013 Idiot of the Year." That would have been fun.

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2 Chainz

Technically, 2 Chainz isn't an Oklahoman so he's not eligible for this award. I'm just including him on this list so that he'll possibly invite me on his tour bus the next time he's in OKC.

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Janet Barresi

The goal of any State School Superintendent should be to create controversy, push faulty ideologically policies and divide parents and educators. In just her first term in office, Janet Barresi accomplished all those things with flying colors. Based on her complicated school grading system, that would earn her a C+.

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Serge Ibaka

2013 was a really big year for Serge. Thanks to his extended range, his game has risen to new levels. He's bulged out to near the top of the list of Western Conference power forwards.

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Gary England and Emily Sutton

It probably surprises you to see our two idols / heroes come up short on this list, but his Holiness got frustrated with that rascal of a giant iPad and retired, and Emily Sutton now has a boyfriend who's better than us. Sorry, but that disqualifies them to win Oklahoman of the Year honors.

Also, do not take that pic into a MotoPhoto and ask them to turn it into a 24 X 36 laminated poster for your bathroom. The attendant will laugh and point at you and then call the police. Instead, just turn it into your own customized Fathead. It's much more discreet, and you can then easily move it from room to room.

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Anyway, I guess it's time to get to the good stuff. Our 2013 Oklahoman of the Year is...

Sparkle Titsworth

You're an inspiration to all of us, Sparkle. You've shown that with an awesome name and a little bit of luck, anyone can win a $1,000 in free gas to 7-11, and in the process, make this state a better place for everyone. Maybe next year the Gazette will give you the proper recognition.