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Kelly Ogle wants to know if we are living in Revelation…

10:00 AM EDT on July 23, 2013

Last night, News 9 ran a special report investigating whether or not we are living in Revelation. The report was brought to us by Kelly Ogle, because as this promo shows, he's a real journalist who's not afraid to ask the tough pandering questions for religious Oklahomans.

From News 9:

The Book of Revelation has been known for centuries as a prophecy of Jesus' return to earth. A time of tribulation and ultimately the end of the world. Could earthquakes, tsunamis and political tension today be evidence of the predictions listed in the final book of the Bible?

I don't know about you, but I'm already convinced. Earthquakes, tsunamis and political tension are all relatively new things and are obviously controlled by supernatural beings, so something must be up. News 9 went to a random pastor from Edmond to find out what in the Hell is going on:

Edmond's Faith Bible Church Pastor Doctor Mark Hitchcock has written 25 books on Biblical prophecy. While he says we don't know the day of God's return, Hitchcock believes right now the stage is being set for the end times.

Hold on. The guy's published 25 books (probably with Tate Publishing) on the Biblical prophecy but doesn't know when the rapture is going to happen? That would be like writing 25 books about sex and not being able to find a G-spot.

I wonder what makes him think the stage is being set for end times. Global warming? Asteroids?? Oklahoma State being the preseason favorites in the Big 12???

No. He's concerned about these three things:

"Israel back in the land, globalism that we see, the world focus on the Middle East," Hitchcock said.

Ah, yes. The world focus on the Middle East. Because outside of biblical times and the numerous crusades in the 11th, 12th and 13th centuries where Christians tried (and failed) to "liberate" the Holy Land, that's a totally new thing. The world never seems to focus on that cradle of culture, civilization on oil.

Pastor Hitchcock also points to strange symbolism as a sign that the end of the world is near:

Hitchcock believes the converging of these events puts us in what's called The Church Age and mirrors the beginning chapters of Revelation.

"In chapters two and three of the Book of Revelation, there's seven letters to seven churches," Hitchcock said. "Churches that existed back in that day but that apply to churches today. How we live and how we function. I would say that's where we are in the Book of Revelation today."

Wow. That's deep. Even Dan Brown would be impressed with all that. I think I need a copy of the Constitution and Nick Cage just to figure out what it all means.

It doesn't matter, though. We're not in the end times yet. The guy who claims he doesn't know when the end of the world will take place is pretty sure we're all safe:

Hitchcock said we are not in the end times yet, since the tribulations don't appear until later chapters, the time when Hitchcock said Christ's coming is imminent.

"I like to use that as an illustration of people living in California," Hitchcock said. "They know the big one's coming. They know one of these days that big earthquake's gonna come, but they don't know when it's gonna come. It's certain it'll happen, but it's uncertain when it will happen."

That's a great analogy. Just like the anticipated megathrust earthquake that scientists believe will strike along the Western United States within the next 75 years, we can also expect winged and wild creatures, trumpeters, and seven-headed beasts to take control of the Earth. Mark it down.

Of course, there is a slight chance that the Revelation will not happen. Because they are fair and balanced, News 9 presented an opposing view. What scientist or atheist did they get to deny the teachings of the good book? They went with OCU Chaplain Rodney Newman.

This is what he had to say:

"Are you fucking kidding me? There are real and immediate concerns out affecting our world like global warming, and News 9 is bringing us a report on the upcoming revelation? Could they be more pandering to their evangelical Christian audience? What's next??? An investigative report as to why Noah didn't save Oklahoma's dinosaurs?

Oops. It looks like I got Newman's quote mixed up with someone else's. This is what the chaplain really said:

Oklahoma City University Chaplain Reverand Rodney Newman believes Revelation is not a prophecy, but instead written for the people of that day who weren't going down the right path.

"If it's a road that's not in accordance with that God has asked us to do, that it's gonna lead to destruction," Rev. Newman said. "It's not that God's gonna do it to you, it's that you will do it to yourself."

Reverend Newman does believes we can all take an important message from Revelation.

"It makes us understand we're part of something much bigger than ourselves and it calls us to be about the business Jesus called us to be about which is caring for others."

That sucks. I'm kind of ready for the end times. Not only would it be cool to see all those locusts and cool monsters, but it mean I'd no longer have to watch all the crap on Channel 9. That would be awesome.

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