July of this year brought us the Summer Olympics in London. So much to forget. Thanks a lot olympics! Wait. Remember when that one girl made that one face? And that horrible opening ceremony with giant buildings and things? Yeah. See. So memorable. It's safe to say Bob Costas spent a whole lot of time in front of a fire at some point. I can't remember.
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5. The One Where a Dollar Store Manager Hit a Thief in the Head With an Aluminum Baseball Bat
Published: 07/26/12
What We Said : "If Horatio looks a little dazed and confused, he has good reason to be. Earlier this week, he was repeatedly struck upside the cranium with an aluminum baseball bat while attempting to steal DVDs from a Dollar General."
What We Learned: We learned that maybe we shouldn't shoplift DVD's from Dollar General. What the hell kind of movies are you trying to steal? It's with great shame that I say I have perused the DVD bin at Dollar General. Not much to pick from. At all. Certainly not anything worth getting the shit kicked out your face with a bat over. Unless you really love Adam Sandler in Going Overboard. Then maybe it's worth it.
Best Comment: "Damn that sounded like when you hit two steel poles together." - Arian
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4: Rick Mitchell is Leaving KOCO Channel 5
Published: 07/16/12
What We Said : This is kind of bittersweet. Rick Mitchell has been the chief meteorologist for Channel 5 since he moved to Oklahoma City in 1994, and although he never had a drinking game like Gary England and Mike Morgan, he was respected and well-liked. In fact, he was so well-liked that girls wrote inappropriate things about him on bathroom walls .
What We Learned: We learned that Rick Mitchell would rather be in Texas making sweet bank than playing second fiddle to Gary England in this market. That's fair. We do miss his "Rick Said It Would" bus signs though. Mostly because we would spray paint a "D" over the "R" so it would make a hilarious joke. Hilarious.
Best Comment: "Let Schambach do the news AND the weather. Problem solved." - Sooner Ken
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3. Christina Fallin is a Newlywed...Again
Published: 07/05/12
What We Said : "Well, this isn’t exactly along the same grounds as legalizing pot and prostitution or learning that Kelly Ogle has an appetite for Three Cheese Ziti Marinara, but we have confirmed today that Christina Fallin, the daughter of Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin, has wed local sushi Chef Eric Smith."
What We Learned: She was married to a hipster band fella and is now married to a sushi chef? At least she's not pursuing married state troopers. That sort of thing runs in the family. If her first two choices are any indication, her third husband will probably be a beat poet who makes skinny jeans and sells tacos out of a truck in hipster neighborhoods. So, y'know, another good life choice.
Best Comment: "Eric’s a great guy, super nice and super talented. I hope he doesn’t get railroaded by this skank." - Fletch
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2. Colin Farrell Waited in Line For a Cheeseburger in Oklahoma City
Published: 07/30/12
What We Said: "It’s always nice to see a local business get some publicity from an international celebrity. It’s just too bad that the international celebrity was Colin Farrell."
What We Learned: We would have been more excited if it was Colin Hanks. At least that guy's dad is awesome. And he's not gonna tell some boring ass story about he waited in line at maybe the third best burger place in the city. It's not my fault the best movie that guy made was Minority Report. I'm not sure why we're still talking about him.
Best Comment: "Must be nice to just travel the country to eat at places you saw on the TV." - Fletch
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1. Bibi Jones is Retiring From Porn
Published: 07/17/12
What We Said : "Wow. This sucks. At one time, the Sooner state was home to three of the most popular adult film stars in the world. Now all we have is Jesse Jane. Even though she looks like what would happen if scientists created a plastic sex robot, I guess that’s still cool."
What We Learned: We learned we're one less porn star in this state. I wasn't familiar with her work so I Googled her. Let's just say it was hard to tell the difference between videos of her work and the Fourth of July Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. I guess the difference is one has way less custard filled hot dogs. Way less.
Best Comment: "Hope she doesn’t become one of those born again Christian porn chick. That totally would suck." - king art 72
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