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Five types of insurance to purchase instead of earthquake coverage

10:00 AM EST on November 8, 2011

November 2011 is a month that will live in infamy. As you know, Oklahoma was rocked by a 4.6-magnitude earthquake Saturday morning, a 5.6 Saturday evening and another 4.something last night. The damage so far, incalculable. The lives lost, irreplaceable. If anyone needs to talk, I'm available.

Anyway, all this earthquake talk got me thinking if I should buy earthquake insurance.When researching this topic, I noticed other vanity policies that are needed in Oklahoma. Read my top 5 below.

p.s. - The picture above is of an Oklahoma bridge. It wasn't damaged in the earthquake, but it still looks pretty bad, right? Also, if that's what if feels like when the Earth moves, I've been doing the sex all wrong.

1. Meth Lab Explosion Protection*

This is a very pricey policy, but hey, if you're cooking meth, you are making bank...especially if you make it in a state of the art laboratory buried underneath a laundry facility. The policy covers instruments and tools used in cooking meth, loss of personal property (including DVD's of Breaking Bad) and your rotting teeth.

*If police/fire fighters are involved, this policy is null and void.


2. Sooner Loss Protection*

Sooner Loss Protection will pay you for the time you miss at work after a Sooner defeat. Because, let's face it, you can't show your face at the factory or greet customers at Wendy's after your team loses to a 29-point underdog. This policy also pays for counseling to help you find life and happiness in things outside of OU football.

* There is no insurance for OSU football. They are expected to lose games to crappy opponents. This is called the Squinky Clause.


3. Teen Mom Insurance*

If you're a female teen in Oklahoma, the chances are pretty good that you'll get knocked-up before you can vote. This policy can be taken out by the parents of a "promiscuous" tween to cover the cost of sending your daughter to another state, so as to help Oklahoma not have the highest teen birthrate in the nation. It also pays for the mother to get a tattoo of a child on her abdomen (note: coloring of the tattoo is NOT covered).

* If the child turns out looking anything like the shoddy tattoo, the money has to be repaid, in full.


4. Homosexuality Insurance*

You live in a Red state. What are you going to do if your son starts enjoying musical theater, or worse, hasn't gotten a tween pregnant? Homosexuality insurance will pay for Christian counseling to "Pray the Gay Away". It will also send your son out-of-state, where they can be celibate music teachers.

* Only available if the parents are Republican.


5. Neighbor's Donkey Insurance*

It's a tale as old as time. You're watching football or cooking meth in your trailer and suddenly everything begins to shake. Another earthquake? No, just the neighbor's donkey again. Did you know donkey's account for more damage to trailers than tornadoes and earthquakes combined? This policy will buy new cinder blocks for the "foundation" and if you have a premium policy, the insurance company will build a "scratchin' post" for the donkey!

*The donkey cannot be yours, must be a neighbor's. Otherwise this behavior is to be expected from your own donkey.


Who knew there were so many insurance policies out there? Contact your local insurance dealer and give them some of your hard-earned money, just so they can deny you coverage when you need it. If you want to read a few jokes a day, follow me on Twitter: @SpencerLenox. I love you all. Kisses.

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