Not content with only facing the ire of firemen, teachers, and mammogram technicians, Kevin Stitt is now trying to alienate workers in yet another beloved profession — cosmetology.
Earlier this legislative session, our esteemed Governor Stitt – or as eyebrow waxers call him, Public Enemy Number 1 – vetoed a bill that would have extended the Oklahoma State Board of Cosmetology and Barbering, a.k.a. the agency responsible for regulating, licensing, and protecting the public from rogue nail techs, jailhouse barbers, and folks who learned how to do Brazilian waxes on YouTube.
Since professional hairstylists, estheticians, barbers, nail techs, massage therapists, etc., would rather not have a wave of unlicensed freelancers and Paul’s Beauty College dropouts flooding their industry, they stormed the Capitol to complain like a man who just got a bad haircut.
Via KFOR:
Cosmetologists flooded the halls at the State Capitol, hoping to convince lawmakers to override Governor Kevin Stitt’s veto on a bill that would have kept the Oklahoma Board of Cosmetology alive.
“We all have busted our butts and put in hours,” said Jaylynn Taylor, a cosmetology student.“Educate, don’t deregulate!” shouted protesters.
Before I say anything else, I’d like to clarify that I’m totally Team Hairstylist in this squabble.
Although I no longer require their services for my balding dome, I will admit that outside of nurses and lawyers, they’ve always been one of my favorite occupational groups to party with at bars. Not only are they always talkative and energetic, but — thanks to the toxic fumes they inhale while prepping a bridal party — they can really hold their booze!
That being said, sadly, lawmakers aren't going to be impressed with those cute slogans and black shirts.
I hate to break it to Bubble Gum, Doc, and all my other favorite stylists at Fantastic Sam's, but although that stuff may motivate their kids during a softball game, it’s not going to do a thing to convince our lawmakers and politicians to take action.
Just like youth sports, politics is a pay-to-play activity, and if you want lawmakers to do something, you have to do what lobbyists do and give them free shit!
That’s why, instead of marching around causing a ruckus like some guy at Sport Clips who just lost a parlay, they should offer free makeovers to lawmakers at the Capitol.
Hell, they can even give them a free rose, too, so the lawmakers will think it has something to do with banning abortion. Before you can say “A little more off the top,” the veto will be overridden in no time.
Anyway, because I — once again — love hairstylists, I thought I would do my due diligence and find the 10 lawmakers in the biggest need of a makeover. Sadly, that excludes Kevin Stitt and his forest creature eyebrows, as he’s a law vetoer — not a maker.
Here we go:
1. Rep. Jason Blair – House District 53
What do you even call Jason’s haircut? The Sailfish? The Demetrodon? The Something About Mary?
Seriously, what’s the goal here?
Is he trying to create a shade wall for his forehead? A wind barrier for rogue thoughts? Or is that architectural marvel on his head actually a defensive rock wall… for lice?
Whatever it is, it’s time to call in a licensed professional — maybe one with structural engineering experience.
2. State Senator Mary Boren – Senate District 16
Out of all the Borens roaming around Oklahoma politics, Mary’s easily my favorite. She seems like a genuinely good person who actually cares about people — which is probably why she looks so out of place at the Capitol.
That said, even William Hung would tell her those bangs are going a little too hard.
Unless she’s auditioning to play Cousin It in a local community theatre — or converting to Sikhism and growing her own turban — it might be time to scale things back just a smidge. Luckily, that’s exactly the type of thing a licensed and regulated cosmetologist can help with — while we still have them.
3. John George – House District 36
As a guy who found his first white hair at the age of 16, let me tell you a few things about “Blending Away the Gray” in five minutes.
1. Contrary to the commercials — and to John’s disappointment — it doesn’t suddenly make women who work at the Capitol want you.
2. Gray and white hair isn’t like regular hair — it’s wiry, stubborn, and defiant. As a result, it will quickly emerge from your temples like an ethics complaint and let people know you dye your hair.
Now, I don't know for certain if John is a Grecian Man or not – I'm leaning he is – but he should let his wisdom hang out, or least have a professional stylist conceal it.
4. Arturo Sandoval – House District 89
As one of the youngest lawmakers in the House, shouldn’t Arturo look a little bit… cooler?
I’m not saying he needs to roll into Duncan Brothers and ask for “the influencer fade,” but right now, his haircut looks like it belongs on an 8-year-old boy who just rolled out of bed and poured a bowl of cereal.
Don't get me wrong. I’m not saying he should go full Ryan Walters and get the Hitler Youth cut, but toss in a little product, maybe a part, and boom — you’re not just making laws, you're breaking hearts in the Capitol rotunda.
5. Nick Archer – House District 55
In all fairness to Mr. Archer, he did recently go through a makeover, changing his look from that of a normal-looking dude who sells insurance into an eccentric man who brews his on root beer.
Check out this transformation:
Although Nick's mustache did remind me to check out the Art of Manliness for the first time since 2012, don't you kind of prefer the old Nick? I wonder what he said the last time he went to the barber:
“Make me look like a vaudevillian strongman performing feats of strength in a striped unitard”?
Just kidding. He probably demanded payment for his barbershop quartet!
Anyway, I guess Nick's look is cool if you’re headlining a circus — and let’s be honest, the House of Representatives kind of is — but unless he’s big in Oklahoma Civil War reenactment circles, he should probably shave that stache and try looking like he was born in one of the last two centuries.
6. Michelle McCane – House District 72
Although a lot of people made a big deal about Mauree Turner being the first non-binary state rep and Gabe Woolley being the first formerly gay state rep, nobody in the identity politics sphere seemed to care that Michelle McCane is the first female Oklahoma lawmaker to not only rock a shaved head, but also wear Zuru Mini-Brands folding chairs as earrings.
What exactly are those creaky things supposed to represent? Is it a nod to professional wrestling? A metaphor for always bringing a seat to the table? Or just a simple tool to make people forget she has a shaved head?
On that note, I pray this doesn’t get me canceled, or result in Will Smith walking into my living room and slapping me, but unless it involves Natalie Portman, it’s hard for me to get behind the whole shaved-head-on-women thing.
Yes, I know it’s a matter of personal preference, cultural mores, and gender hypocrisy – I shave my head too, which is apparently fine because I’m an angry white man – but if you have the ability to grow hair and aren’t in the military, set it free. And while you're at it, let a licensed, regulated hair stylist groom it!
7. Kyle Hilbert – Speaker of the House
If I conducted a man-on-the-street survey asking people whether Kyle Hilbert was Oklahoma’s Speaker of the House or the poster child for incest-driven homeschool learning disabilities, I honestly don’t know which would win.
Whatever the results, one thing’s clear — Kyle is in desperate need of a makeover! He kind of looks like one of those old-timey paintings where the eyes — and apparently the nose — follow you around the room. Try it with your phone right now. It's freaky and disturbing!
8. Josh West – House District 5
I honestly don’t know if Josh needs a makeover, but one of his stylists could probably talk him into sobering up and checking into rehab.
Yikes! He looks like the alcoholic ex-cop in every straight-to-DVD crime movie. You know, the detective who lost his wife, lost his partner, and lost the big homicide case he couldn’t crack — and now he’s gone rogue to take down gangs on the mean streets of Wewoka, one bad stepkid at a time.
Basically, Josh doesn’t need a new look. He needs a flashback sequence of the good old days — and a bottle of Wild Turkey.
9. Max Wolfley – House District 95
Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t think your head is supposed to look like the tip of a penis being covered by an old-timey football helmet made of rabbit fur. He needs to get that haircut circumcised immediately and sent to a lab for inspection!
Then again, maybe that’s the point. It’s the perfect haircut for a guy who’s constantly trying to hide something — like critical thinking, basic understanding of public policy or an STD.
Senator Dana Prieto – District 34
I’m not exactly sure what a cosmetologist could do for Dana Prieto, but they could start by making him look a little less like Salvatore Tessio from The Godfather!
I can totally see Capitol security leading him to a barber chair, placing a cape around his neck, and as the clippers buzz to life, Dana slowly looking up at the sergeant-at-arms and muttering…
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Anyway, these are just 10 lawmakers who need a haircut. After scrolling through the House and Senate website, there are probably a hundred or so more who could use one, too!
Also, I wish the cosmotology folks all the best of luck in convincing them to override Stitt's veto. Once again, if they follow my advice and give lawmakers some free stuff, it will likely happen fast.
Stay with The Lost Ogle. We'll keep you advised.
