Being an Oklahoman, one of your favorite things to do is, presumably, read the Bible. And while I’m sure you appreciate the way it faithfully consumes much of your free time—far more than, I don’t know, helping the poor or something stupid like that—but what about your Godless neighbors?
Thankfully, State Rep. Tammy Townley, a republican from Ardmore, is rectifying (crucifying?) that by making sure the Holy Bible—King James, I’m guessing; NIV, I’m hoping—is not only the blessed tome of the selected few that will be picked to live with God in Heaven come Judgement Day, but forcibly for everyone else as well, whether they believe in it or not.
Along with, I’m guessing, Jesus T. Christ, she’s the author of House Bill 3890, the latest in the state’s completely damnifying right-wing religious orders; this one says that the Bible is the bestest book in all of Oklahoma and, if you don’t agree, burn in Hell, sinner!
From KOCO:
“We are people of great faith,” state Rep. Tammy Townley, R-Ardmore, said in a statement. “The Holy Bible is an integral part of numerous faiths and is deeply important to many Oklahomans. Even when we don't always agree with each other, we always know that we have a foundation higher than politics that we can rely on to remain unshakeable when times are tough.”
While the Bible is a very good book—it ranks right up there with Johnny Cash’s Cash, if you ask me—it got me to thinking: if Oklahoma has a book-of-the-month club that you mandatorily had to be a part of, where are some of the other selections we’d probably have to read? Here’s a few selections that might interest you…
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Cliffs Notes: The New Testament
Let’s be honest: you’re never going to get through that whole darn book. But thank God—literally!—that Cliffs Notes does much of the work for you. Picking and choosing what to believe has never been easier!
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The Ben Shapiro Beautiful Coloring Book
The kids love commentator Ben Shapiro! Despite being a Jew, Oklahoma is able to mostly forgive Shapiro as he spreads the word to children all over and, while some children might be initially resistant, what kid can ignore this lavish coloring book?
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More Than A Hobby
What's more Oklahoma than an autobiography about one of the world's most successful evangelical Christians who made a fortune selling cheap shit from China?
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Ted, White, and Blue: The Nugent Manifesto
Oklahoma loves three things: our guns, our meat, and our rock and roll. Also God; we love God. But we love our trucks too, but mostly God. And country music. And freedom. So, basically, here in Oklahoma, we love: guns, meat, rock and roll, trucks, country music, and freedom. Just like Ted. And sexy chicks too. And God.
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The Pioneer Woman Cooks: Recipes From An Accidental Country Girl
Let's be honest – This is already to official book of Oklahoma's aunt, so let's expand it out to everyone.
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The Way Things Ought to Be
Rush Limbaugh’s The Way Things Ought to Be is the second-best book ever written by someone that can truly appreciate racial purity. Mega-dittos!
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Donald Trump: Road to the White House
As much as conservatives like The Art of the Deal—but not for business deals, oddly enough—to be fair, very few of them have had the actual wherewithal to read it. So, instead, this recent comic book does the job just fine, including the recent moment where Trump took on his mortal enemy, the Kung Flu. Finish it on the john with right back out there hating minorities!
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