When he's not scrolling through adult diaper threads on 4-Chan, State Senator Nathan Dahm fashions himself as one of the "funny guys" in the Oklahoma Senate.
Never scared to retell a "stick it to the libs" quote he heard on YouTube, quote a scene from Anchorman, or simply pull an April Fool's Day prank that will get him stripped of his senate leadership positions, the comedian's always looking for unique ways to make people laugh – or based on some of the laws he's authored – cry.
Knowing that, we shouldn't be surprised to learn that old Dahmmy Boy filed a bill today that will make every reader of The Babylon Bee proud. In honor of Earth Day, Dahm filed Senate Bill 1065 that will – get this – ban paper straws in Oklahoma, because you know, save the trees!
Via a press release:
In honor of Earth Day, Sen. Nathan Dahm, R-Broken Arrow, filed Senate Bill 1065 to ban paper straws in the state.
“You have states, like California, where the leftist loons have banned plastic straws because they saw a video on social media about a sea turtle that was harmed by ingesting a straw,” Dahm said. “So, under the guise of helping the planet, they’ve banned plastic straws, resulting in who knows how many trees now being cut down to make paper straws.”
First of all, I think every piece of legislation Dahm has written was inspired by a video he saw on social media, so it's a bit hypocritical for him to blame leftists loons for the same behaviors that right-wing radicals like himself demonstrate.
Under the measure, any licensed food establishment in the state that provides a consumer with a straw cannot distribute straws made of non-plastic materials, including, but not limited to, paper or pasta...
“Hatred of paper straws is nearly universal,” Dahm said. “I’ve never met a single person who enjoys using a paper straw. They fall apart and turn to mush quicker than Joe Biden trying to string together a coherent sentence. They collapse like Mitt Romney under the slightest amount of pressure, and even with Kamala Harris … well, never mind.”
When someone ends a bit with a "Well, never mind," it either means A) They don't have the courage to tell the joke, B) They don't have the mental capacity to finish a joke, or C) Well, never mind.
While some may not find the seriousness in this issue, Dahm said plastic straws should actually be celebrated.
"In all seriousness, plastics and petrochemicals have changed our planet for the better," Dahm said. "Many people don’t realize the plastic they use every day is a byproduct of our oil and gas industry. When we talk about Earth Day, we should be celebrating the industry that fuels our cars, heats and cools our homes, has advanced farming and food production and helped raise the standard of living for people across the planet.”
Before we continue, let's acknowledged something important – Dahm's a shallow, right-wing, opportunistic terd. He's also the guy in the movie theatre who cheered when that Ent's head caught on fire during the attack on Isengard in The Two Towers. He's obviously not doing this because he cares about trees.
That being said...
I can get down with this one. Paper straws are terrible, and pasta ones only work well with marinara. Plastic is bad for the environment, but there are plenty of plastic products we should be banning before straws.
"But Patrick! Plastic is killing the planet."
That's true, but I like plastic straws! Plus, I kind of take a George Carlin approach to plastics and the environment. Here's what he had to say about it: