As the limousine waited outside of the Fort Worth prison where he is currently incarcerated, I’m sure that the collective energy was as high as a mobile home furry orgy as Joe Exotic waited for his requested Presidential pardon.
It never came—so, I guess, just before he left the White House, Donald Trump did one good thing in his presidency.
Of course, Exotic—better known as Joe Maldonado-Passage to law enforcement officials—was upset when word got back to him, acting all anti-Baskin on social media. Here’s what came from his still-intact Twitter that afternoon:
So while it appears that Exotic will probably be forced to do the rest of his 20-something sentence in a human cage—if he makes it that long, natch—I came up with a small list of activities that will give him what he so richly craves from behind the iron bars of justice: attention and fame...
Do a Few Tiger Paintings!
When George W. Bush left office, he was a despised president that only a right-leaning mother could love but probably shouldn’t. However, once he went on a late-night talk-show to broadcast his various paintings of dogs and such, he became a much-loved former president that we all suddenly missed. Imagine what tiger paintings you could craft in your cell with all that spare time…and the newfound fame as an artist that it could totally bring you!
Write Your Autobiography!
I know that I’m not alone when I say I’d like to read the inside story—the true story—of how a kid named Joe Maldonado became a sexy dude known as Joe Exotic. From your penniless birth to your rise as the literal king of the tigers, to your downfall as a prisoner in the Fort Worth area and your feline eyes to the future, we can finally get the story that we’re all dying to hear. But, to be fair, I’d even buy a chapbook of poems about Carole Baskin.
Plan the Tiger King 2.0 Amusement Park!
Some of fictional society's most hardened criminals—like Lex Luthor, for example—have spent years in prisons trying to figure out a way to get back at the most powerful man on the planet…surely you can do that to take care of just a few trashy humans, right? What better way than to open, under the guise of a reformed businessman, the Tiger King 2.0 Amusement Park! Bigger tigers, bigger claws…and bigger danger!
Start the Notorious Tiger Gang!
Twenty years is a long time to live in a prison atmosphere. Instead of constantly looking for a way out like a scared mouse, how about you use some of that feline penile power and start running that prison like the man we know you are. Gather together a multicultural group of believers, pen a few tiger-striped tattoos on their chest for gang affiliation and, within six months, the prison-yard is yours, son. Pass the toilet wine!
Get Ready for the 2044 Presidential Election!
Trump has let you down, right? Make up for it by announcing your upcoming bid for the United States Presidency upon your exit from that stinking hell. Sure, you probably won’t be allowed to run due to your imprisonment, but you’ve never let the law--or Carole Baskin--stop you before!