From Edmond moms Facebooking their Doterra and Young Living schemes, to Sprouts and that one weird etsy shop that also peddles human teeth, it seems like everyone is selling essential oils nowadays. And the people who sell it always seem ready to remedy anything you can think of with their smell good stuff. Now we Oklahomans don’t generally understand enough about science to know if these claims about essential oils are true. But lord knows we have a lot of problems that need remedying! So here are 8 essential oils for everyday Oklahoma problems...
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Frankincense
An oil known for its calming qualities and that is often used as a part of mindful meditation to bring peace to the racing mind.
Cure: Hangovers.
Frankincense is also great to use when you have a hangover. When you feel close to death after knocking back a few too many Lunchboxes at Edna’s, get your body ready to meet Jesus by dousing it with one of the gifts of the three wise men. No one exactly knows what sins they’ve committed after a night drinking, so maybe smelling like one of his presents will put you back in the Good Lord’s graces.
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Lavender
A helpful oil for relaxation and improving the quality of sleep.
Cure: Sleep
Mommy bloggers across the state boast of its ability to make their children snooze with ease after a quick application to the feet. Though the essential oil form of lavender is best for getting children to fall asleep quickly, my own personal research suggests that the lavender flavored gin version is best for adults.
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Grapefruit
A refreshing oil that is apparently most helpful for suppressing the appetite and burning fat.
Cure: Fried rattle snake-induced weight gain.
In fact, one or two drops daily in your water should be more than enough to counteract however many fried critters on a stick you ate at the rattlesnake festival last weekend.
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Bergamont
A spicy, citrusy essential oil that is often used in place of deodorant by hardcore essential oil users.
Cure: Social Anxiety
Bergamont is best used for getting out of social activities because nobody is going to keep inviting you to things if you smell like spicy B.O.
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Sage
An oil used for centuries by ancient cultures, and the last five years by white women who shop at Whole Foods, as a cleansing and purifying agent.
Cure: Looking like a lawmaker
According to my google-ing, the oil form of sage is also known for alleviating excessive sweating and male pattern baldness. So basically, sage oil is the cure for looking like Representative Ken Wallace.
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Patchouli
An oil with an earthy aroma and is apparently best used for relaxation.
Cure: Stress
I couldn’t find a whole lot of information supporting such Edmond mom claims. So I am going to assume that for best results, throw a bottle of patchouli at whoever is annoying you in order to achieve ultimate relief from your daily stressors.
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Peppermint
Along with aiding in clearing sinuses when sick, peppermint oil is also known to boost mental clarity and overall brain function.
Cure: Oklahoma Public School Education
I am going to propose each student who graduates from an Oklahoma public school gets a bottle with their diploma to counteract the effects of our education system.
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Cinnamon
Not only does it apparently increase blood flow (if you know what I mean), but also the scent acts as an aphrodisiac.
Cure: Sexy time.
Now, I don’t know if these claims are scientifically valid and I’m not paid enough to actually look it up. But if you’re considering sex advice from a blurb on The Lost Ogle, you probably need all the help you can get in the sack.
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This is in the satire section for a reason. Do not take any of this seriously or as medical advice. Instead follow Hayley on twitter @squirrellygeek
