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ICYMI

Top 15 Candidates for Oklahoma Governor (Ranked)

5:05 AM EDT on June 6, 2018

Here in three weeks, a small percentage of Oklahoma voters will go to the polls to vote for who they want to advance in the race to replace Governor Mary Fallin.

The primaries will be duked out by 10 Republicans, two Democrats and three Libertarians from all sorts of different backgrounds and walks of life. Unfortunately, crowd favorite Bofa Deeze Nuts missed the filing deadline.

As a public service to the Oklahoma people and to help voters make a misinformed selection, we thought it would be fun to rank the candidates from best to worst. The rankings are highly scientific. We graded the candidates based on several criteria, including IQ, weight and the amount of tigers they own. We then plugged the data into a proprietary algorithm developed by researchers at Oklahoma City Community College School of Remedial Sciences and calculated the results.

Here they are:

15. Todd Lamb (R)  •  Oklahoma City

I don't ask a lot from Republican voters, but please please please please please please please don't follow the Oil Overlord's plan and elect Todd Lamb as governor. He is basically the Ken to Mary Fallin's Barbie. They're both shallow, plastic, die-cut politicians who have followed the same career path, ran for office on the same cliché "faith and family" platform, and are controlled by the same Oil Overlord puppet masters.

Look it up. Larry Nichols, the chairman of Todd Lamb's election campaign, was also the chair of Mary Fallin's election campaign and transition team. I know Larry is rich, powerful and enjoys the view from his shiny, phallic Lord of the Rings-inspired building that towers over our state, but if you handpicked Mary Fallin to be our governor for eight years, you should probably be required to sit out the next election out of basic principle. It would be symbolic more than anything. I'm sure whoever Oklahoma voters choose for Governor will be just as easy for him to control once they're whisked around in a circle like Gandalf inside the Devon Board Room.

14. Dan Fisher (R)  •  El Reno

Former State Rep. Dan Fisher – a handsome, militant and intolerant goofball Baptist minister from El Reno – is running on the standard right-wing G.A.G.G. (God, Abortion, Guns, and Gays) platform. He first popped up on TLO's radar back in 2014 when we learned he was the leader of a theocratic cosplay group called "Bringing Back the Black Robe Regiment."

Here's how Dan described the group:

In “Bringing Back the Black Robed Regiment” presentation, Dan, in full period costume, tells the inspiring story of the “patriot pastors” of America’s War of Independence. Through a moving multimedia presentation, Dan brings to life their forgotten history and tells of their courageous stand for liberty and truth. He makes the convincing argument that, without a resurgence of biblical patriotism in the pulpit, America cannot survive much longer. Dan, like the Black Robed Regiment of ’76, believes it is high time for America’s Christian leaders to speak loudly, act boldly and bring Back the Black Robed Regiment.

Yeah, if there's one legitimate complaint about American Christian leaders, it's that they're not speaking loudly or acting boldly enough. They really need to speak up, and have more control and influence on American elections, especially in places like Oklahoma.

13. Christopher Barnett (R)  •  Tulsa

Christopher Barnett is an openly gay man from Tulsa. His passions in life are buying guns, worshipping Jesus, and suing, harassing and intimidating the University of Tulsa and its employees like a psycho. You can learn more about that at UniversityOfTulsaLawsuit.com. It's a rambling, incoherent, creepy mess of a website that never really explains why Chris is suing the University of Tulsa, but does serve as a great resource for mental health awareness.

For example, Chris makes sure to share publicly available photos of university official's homes on his website and then juxtapose them with pics like this:

Chris made the news cycle a month or so ago after he shared his love for eugenics in a Facebook comment thread, only to backtrack and say his account was hacked. Our state can deal with another gun loving governor who has extreme, sickening views, but not another governor who can't manage their social media accounts.

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12. Gary Richardson (R)  •  Tulsa

There are lots of reasons not to support Gary Richardson for Governor. One of the biggest is that he comes across as an egotistical sleazy trial lawyer who is only running for Governor so he can read his name in the newspapers and not have to renew a Pike Pass. But the biggest reason not to support him is that he apparently doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom.

Via Reddit:

The only time when it's not okay to wash your hands after using the bathroom is when you're at a bar and just witnessed a drunk guy pee in the sink, which I bet is something Richardson has probably done a time or two in Brookside while waiting for his Super Beta Prostate to kick in.

11. Kevin Stitt (R)  •  Tulsa

Kevin Stitt is this year's "wealthy businessman running as an outsider who promises to change the way government works" candidate. Although most of these candidates do not have dreamy eyebrows as pronounced and dashing as Kevin's, they are a dime a dozen, and way too many people across the country fall for their overly simplistic message that ignores the fundamental reality that there's a big difference between running a for-profit corporation and a for-the-people government.

That being said, Stitt's business – Gateway Mortgage – is successful. In fact, it's so successful that Business Insider named it one of "The 15 Shadiest Mortgage Lenders Being Backed By The Government!" That's a dubious honor to hold, but does show that Kevin has the experience to thrive in the shady, self-serving, unethical world of Oklahoma politics.

10. Blake "Cowboy" Stephens (R)  •  Tahlequah

Yee haw, partner! Let's go ropin' broncos!

Even if you're down on your luck and have credit as good as Jesse James, Blake "Cowboy" Stephens will gladly accept your vote. You see, he's a real cowboy... and we know that because he wears a cowboy hat. He also walks around with a pitchfork and keeps a fancy ink pen in his shirt pocket. What cowboy doesn't do that?!

Like most candidates that claim they are real cowboys, Blake is a real hardcore conservative. This is his platform mission statement:

I want to represent ALL Oklahomans. The God I serve is a God who loves everyone deeply and sacrificially. I value people from every walk of life, age, gender, and nationality, and I desire to serve them from the heart.

With that said, the following personal convictions influence my leadership:

I believe that the marriage union is between one man and one woman.

He claims he wants to "represent ALL Oklahomans" from "every walk off life," yet his first bullet point is about how he wants to prevent gay people from getting married. The Republican party may want to wrap a lasso around this guy. He's a keeper.

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8A. Rex Lawhorn  (L)  •  Broken Arrow

Let's hope Rex didn't leave his job as a professional motivational quote creator to run for governor. "I'm not aggressive. I'm passionate?" That's so profound. It sounds like something a guy would tell a girl on a first date right before she sneaks away in an Uber.

Bad quotes aside, Rex seems like your typical Oklahoma Libertarian. We probably agree on social issues, criminal justice reform, rights to equality, and other things, but we probably disagree on other crap like taxation, government regulation, universal healthcare, and all that other fun stuff. That's why I have him tied with...

8B. Chris Powell (L)  •  Bethany

"Hey, see that big microphone over there?"

"Yeah."

"Let's take a picture of me behind it!"

Just like with Rex, Chris and I likely agree on social issues, criminal justice reform, rights to equality, and other things, but we probably disagree on other crap like taxation, government regulation, universal healthcare, and all that other fun stuff. Moving on...

7. Connie Johnson (D)  •  Forest Park

I've met Connie once. I think we were both stoned, so neither one of us probably remembers any details from the conversation, but it seemed very pleasant.

This ranking may seem low to my Occupy Wall Street hipster friends, but I wouldn't be disappointed if Connie Johnson somehow became governor. I think Oklahoma could use a leader who isn't a wealthy white Republican. I also loved the work she did as a powerless Oklahoma legislator fighting the good fight against the right-wing wackos, especially when she introduced a tongue-in-cheek "every sperm is sacred" amendment designed to expose the hypocrisy of pro-lifers by making it illegal for a man to deposit semen anywhere that wasn't a woman's vagina.

That being said, I'm not so sure if Connie is the right choice for Governor. You know how some people make a career out of going to college? I kind of think Connie has made a career out of running for public office. There have also been several issues arise over the past couple of years that makes you question her ethics. The Mary Failin' t-shirt guy sued her for unpaid wages. She's also had issues paying campaign vendors.

6. Gary Jones (R)  •  Oklahoma City

Gary Jones is the state auditor, which means he's the guy who investigates all the extremely shady, crooked shit that goes on in Oklahoma government. He's a very busy dude.

Honestly, I don't know if Jones is a good auditor or not. Auditing is not my cup of tea. I also don't know if he'd be a good governor, but I do know he's the only Republican candidate who has ditched tired right wing ideological talking points and spoken openly and honestly about the challenges facing our state, and some of the solutions to fix them. I know telling the truth is an easy way to lose a primary, especially in today's "alternative facts, believe what I want" culture, but it's a breath of fresh air.

Plus, he's been duped by Borat. That's cool:

5. Eric Foutch (R)  •  McCloud

Eric is the token teacher running for governor. I guess that means he's broke and has no chance of winning. Here's his three-step plan to fix Oklahoma:

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum?

4. Mick Cornett (R)  •  Big League City

Well, this is awkward.

For those who don't know, Mayor Mick is my adopted father. When I was a homeless orphan living on the southside, he found me wading in the Crossroads Mall super fountain searching for pennies to donate to the first MAPS tax. He had just finished filming a KOCO live shot about the opening of a new Orange Julius stand, asked if I wanted one, and then took me home and adopted me into his family, showing  me the ways of the teleprompter until my real parents were released from prison.

As a result of this experience, I still have strong friendships with Mick's sons. I guess you can say I'm kind of like the Jon Snow of the Cornett family, while they are more like the Robb, Sansa and Rickon. Basically, I'm the cool bastard you root for.

Anyway, I really wanted to rank Mayor Mick higher on the list. I think he'll make a good spokesperson for our state as governor, which seems pretty awesome after eight years of stumbling, mumbling Mary, but I'm a bit concerned about how he's handling the primary. He's not really taking a strong stance on any issues, and when he does, it tends to pander to the far right. I get it. You have to say some crazy shit to win a primary in a red state, and I'm totally willing to look past it if it means I get to play a game of poker at the Governor's Mansion next Christmas.

3. Drew Edmondson (D)  •  Oklahoma City

No disrespect to Drew, but is recycling a career establishment politician from a political family dynasty who couldn't even secure his own party's nomination eight years earlier the best Oklahoma Democrats can do? The answer, sadly, is yes.

Fortunately, Drew's handlers have moved his talking points a bit to the left and are now trying to position him as more of a progressive candidate. We'll see if that lasts into the general election, but it's better than nothing. Right now, Drew's biggest strengths are A) he really doesn't have to worry about the primary and B) he knows how to play rural Oklahoma farm folk, and C) if he matches up with the right opponent in the primary, he could actually win this thing.

2. Barry Gowdy (R)  •  Elk City

The only thing I know about Barry Gowdy is the only thing you need to know about Barry Gowdy – he has one hell of a mustache! Seriously, just look at that thing of beauty. It will make Oklahoma Highway Patrolmen actually want to blow the Governor for a change!

If the stache doesn't do it for you, his campaign sign sure will:

How does that only have two Likes? It should at least have a dozen.

1. Joe Exotic (L)  •  Wynnewood

Just like with the other Libertarian candidates, Joe and I probably agree on social issues, criminal justice reform, rights to equality, and other things, and we probably disagree on other crap like taxation, government regulation, universal healthcare, and all that other fun stuff.

Here are two reasons why I have him ranked in the top spot, and ahead of everyone else.

1. He asked:

2. As I've mentioned, I think Oklahoma is finally at the point where only a foul-mouthed, openly gay, marijuana-smoking tiger zoo operator with his own promotional line of condoms can save us. And if he can't, at least it will be entertaining. Not only will you be able to purchase photos with tiger cubs during tours of the Governor's Mansion, but can you imagine what the Inauguration Ball will be like? It would probably be a cross between a Shriner circus, backyard barbecue, Pride parade and Eyes Wide Shut party. I hope to see you there. I'll be playing the piano.

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Agree? Disagree? Want to troll for the sake of it? Leave a comment.

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