Whether you’re a really active supporter of our schools or just a good ol’ fashioned degenerate gambler, the State of Oklahoma’s revamped lottery scratchers have finally hit the streets, promising not only more payouts, but a serviceable vow to send the first $50 million to our schools which is ironic, considering many of the people who buy these things are taking money out of their own kids’ mouths to begin with.
And while helping your dumb kids learn to read and do math and what not is all well and good, I was actually more interested in the Lottery Commission’s boisterous claim that these new tickets will produce more winners than ever. Having never really won much of anything when it comes to games of chance such as this—I was once up $200 on the Ghostbusters progressive slot machine at Thunderbird, promptly losing most of it and cashing out at $17—but if I can at least make my money back, then I’ll become a believer in state gaming.
Armed with $25—oh, the groceries I could’ve bought with that!—I stopped by my local OnCue and, after purchasing a Sugar-Free Coca-Cola Frozen Drink to calm my nerves, I made my way to the area where the new scratchers were proudly presented and selected a nice, representative variety in denominations of $1 (Golden Goose, Lucky 7, Money Mania, Match 3 Tripler and the Cashtastic), $2 (Pink Diamond and $50 Frenzy), $3 (Crossword and Bingo) and, finally, a pair of $5 cards (Lucky Red 7s and Mega Money).
Sorry, but even on assignment those $10 cards are too rich for my gravy-like blood.
While most people who buy their tickets voraciously start scratching right there at the counter, throwing their losing tickets on the ground as the sulk towards the exit in a “No Pampers tonight, dear!” aura of shame, I wanted to wait a little while before I used my last quarter to scratch off any revealing winnings numbers, asking my Bible study group that evening to pray over them, because, hey, it can’t hurt, right? God’s done more for lesser people and my number’s bound to come up sometime soon, right?