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TLO Restaurant Review: Little Mike’s Hamburgers (revisited)

5:54 AM EST on February 23, 2017

“Don’t forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he wanted…he lived happily ever after…” – Willie Wonka, Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

In 2013, TLO head-honcho Patrick introduced us to the right-wing wonderland that is Little Mike’s Hamburgers – a small-time burger joint with a big time hate-on for Barack Obama and uber fascination with alternative facts. As wizened white folks munched on onion burgers and onions rings, Fox News was running invariably in the background and the walls were practically a museum, archive and living memorial to the eight years of absolute intolerance our President went through, all in the form of memes reproduced on a home-printer and taped to the wall all hurdy-gurdy like.

2013:

And, if that wasn’t enough, Patrick claimed the hamburger itself was “tasteless” and “lacked flavor,” while the onion rings were “not as good as Johnnie’s, but they sure beat Sonic’s onion rings.” Declaring Little Mike’s nothing more than “Glenn Beck’s masturbation chamber,” he rated the overall experience a 2 out of 10 and, in the end, gave Mike’s mad props for their ability to create controversy and a money-making atmosphere based around it, with little or no food to show for it.

Well, it’s five years later and the world has changed. And it got me to wondering…has Little Mike’s changed? How has Mike adapted in a world where all of his Conservative dreams have come true? Are the walls still lined with anti-Obama scrawls, like a testament to a simpler time when that was all the enemy they needed, a Muslim boogeyman in control of the button, back when fake news was confined to links posted from the Onion and the term “cuck” was something that was still relegated to the more expensive specialty section of any random Texas porno barn?

2017:

While I had never been to Little Mike’s myself—Patrick’s review my only liberal fist-shakin’ frame of reference—when I pulled up to the strip mall located in Rock Center, 6724 Northwest Expressway, I was immediately surprised how fresh and clean the exterior looked—gone was the pro-gun signage and ill restroom tidings—instead replaced with a welcomingly deceptive entrance that practically screamed “Give me your tired, your poor, your hungry masses, yearning for an onion burger hot off the grill!”

And…even the inside seemed less than what I was expecting, resembling much like any other ol’ local eatery, only instead of photos of little league teams and various review clippings was neatly aligned signage about how this establishment “salutes the troops” mingling with numerous Donald Trump memes, many of which have a more positive bent to them, very precisely and pleasantly tacked to the wall in a wholly non-cluttered manner.

2013:

2017:

Even the Coke machine, which, upon Patrick’s visit, was engulfed in anti-Obama hate speech, was now wiped down and presentable, ready for whomever to fill their Styrofoam cups full of carbonated beverage once you gave the none-too-friendly woman behind the counter your order; for the record, I went small-time with a single patty onion cheeseburger (with tomatoes) ($4.29) and an order of onion rings ($2.49), afraid to spend too much money here, lest it be donated to various organizations dedicated to deporting mi primos. How could I explain to my Tia Hortencia that Jorge was put in a detainment center because I had to have a double-cheeseburger? Los awkwardos!

As I waited for my eats, I wandered the walls, admiring the Biblically-evasive John Wayne quotage and eavesdropped on the conversation that men—real effing American men, dammit—were having at the table behind me; if there was one consolation, even these staunch AARPublicans absolutely couldn’t stomach Milo Yiannopoulos either, which gave me some hope for future common ground, should they accost me in the parking lot for the “America Was Never Great” bumper-sticker.

Now even though I am considered a far left-wing extremist with socialist ideologies, I’ve always said that if Stacey Dash came knocking on my door, I could be persuaded—oh, please persuade me, Stacey Dash—to switch aisles. And while Little Mike’s onion burger won’t have me re-registering my party affiliation anytime soon, with every bite I could’ve been, at the very least, tempted to give James Lankford a nice sensual shoulder massage after a hard day at the office.

2013:

Seriously, I don’t know what Patrick was talkin’ ‘bout, because this Little Mike’s onion burger was an ISIS dirty bomb of delish that exploded in my mouth with every single bite. Perfectly grilled patties, gooey cheese and plenty of wonderfully caramelized onions, topped with tomatoes and a fresh selection of toppings from their fixins bar, God might not have made Adam and Steve but he sure as heck made Louis and Mike because I could totally marry a man who makes burgers (and onion rings! Can’t forget those onion rings!) this good.

2017:

So what is the reason for this obvious turn in quality over the past five or so years? Between the sizably decluttered walls and obvious upgrade in the quality of the food—not to mention the return of tomatoes—was Mike so depressed that Obama was in office that he just gave up during that time? Because, you know, if it takes a narcissistically treasonous sex-offender like Trump to inspire Little Mike to achieve culinary greatness again, then I say “Four more years!” ¡Cómpralo ya!

I almost bought a jar of Mike’s salad dressing but instead gave the money to a panhandler who looked like Lena Dunham. Follow Louis on Twitter at @LouisFowler.

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