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That Satanic black mass was a total bust…

5:20 AM EDT on August 17, 2016

black mass

For most Oklahomans, going to church is a pretty mundane affair. You wake up early on Sunday, put on clothes that don't look like a hobo was sleeping in them, and drive on down to the mega-church that used to be a Wal-Mart before they opened a Supercenter down the street. You try to stay awake while Pastor Dave talks about the scriptures, mumble along with a few songs, and then go to Rib Crib for lunch and leave the poor server a bible tract as a tip. No big deal.

But if you worship Satan, all of a sudden it's this huge ordeal with hundreds of people protesting outside! What gives? I guess everyone thinks that they are killing babies and drinking blood, but have you ever actually seen one of these things? It's just a few nerds dressed up in cloaks playing with swords searching for the Upside-Down. The whole thing is kinda like LARPing, only someone is lecturing you about evil stuff.

That didn't stop people from trying to shut the event down. From KOCO:

OKLAHOMA CITY —A controversial black Mass held Monday at the Civic Center Music Center in Oklahoma City brought out hundreds of protesters.

The city said only 12 tickets were sold for the black Mass.

But the outrage over the event prompted the OKC Archbishop to write a letter to the mayor asking the city to stop promotion of the event.

The event appeared on an OKC newsletter mailed to people with their monthly utility bills and also appeared on the electric marquee outside the center.

City staff explained that it's part of a rental agreement the city has with groups that sell tickets to events at the center.

The mayor’s office replied, saying the event was protected by the First Amendment, but that city officials would consider a policy review of all city advertising.

Wow, only 12 people showed up? I'm pretty sure there are more members in Slipknot than that. The crazy thing is that all these protesters are just giving more publicity to the very thing they're trying to stop. Seriously, I would've never even heard about this thing if the media hadn't made a big deal about all the protests. If they really want the black mass at the Civic Center to go away, just ignore it. I mean, if only 12 people showed up even though there was all this press about the event, imagine how small the turn-out would be if nobody even knew about it. It wouldn't surprise me if their next service is at the corner booth at Denny's.

If the OKC Church of Satan wants to improve their paltry attendance, they need to make a few changes. Luckily, we here at the Ogle & Ogle marketing firm have some solid advice to improve their brand and synergize more engagement with key demographics (see, we know professional buzzwords!):

-Update the brand

Kids these days are bored with Satan. They think he's just that red dude with a dumb goatee on their dad's rockabilly CDs. It's time to for the church improve their image for a new generation. This ain't your papa's Church of Satan! Out of the way, Anton Lavey! They can change their name to something hip, like SatanChurch.TV. Also, millennials respond better to multimedia productions. Just having some dude in a robe with a chalice and a knife isn't enough. There needs to be a projection screen with pre-recorded skits and special effects. Also, for as much as the devil loves rock music, why isn't there a kick-ass praise-and-worship-Satan band to get the crowd warmed up? Anyone could get in the right mood for pledging allegiance to the Dark Prince to a band in the vein of Dark Throne orDeicide.

-Engage the community

People need to see that Satan worshipers aren't all bad people, even thought they think demons are cool. I suggest a "boots on the ground" approach, getting out there and holding events to let the community know who they really are. For instance, they could stage a twist on the traditional church Pancake Breakfast. Keep the pancakes, because EVERYONE loves pancakes, even if they are followers of the Angel of the Bottomless Pit. But instead of breakfast, check this out- hold it at dinnertime. Woah. Isn't that pretty wicked? Breakfast for dinner, that's the kind of twisted inversion that SatanChurch.TV could really get people involved.

Or how about a dog adoption event? Everyone loves puppies, and they could find homes for all those wicked lil' scamps at the shelter. Call it "Adopt A Hellhound," and have people come out and learn about the Necronomicon while bringing home a sweet rescue greyhound named Lucifer.

-Schedule events better

They held this black mass on a Monday. Maybe Monday is an unholy day for followers of the Son of Perdition, but something tells me even Satan HATES MONDAYS. It's the first day back at the work week, everyone's tired, and at the end of the day wants to catch up on groceries or laundry and pass out watching The Bachelor. Why don't they shoot for Sundays? Sure, it might be the Lord's day, but that means all the do-gooders are at church and not out protesting your event. It could be a brunch event with Bloody Mary's and upside-down hot cross buns.

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