I was scrolling through Twitter on Friday night and stumbled across this gem from the KFOR Social Media Bandit. It's the most Oklahoma headline ever:
Yep, despite the well-publicized "problems" we've had in humanely executing people, Oklahoma is still committed to the death penalty. That's good to know! It's been over a year since we last tried to execute someone and I was starting to get a little worried. I don't want to lose our ranking as the top state in the country for executions. I also hope we stay committed to other things we suck at, like educating students, maintaining roads and bridges, and electing smart people to public office.
The KFOR tweet linked to a snippet of an AP wire story by Sean Murphy. Oddly enough, the original version of that story had a different, more specific headline.
Check it out:
Despite botched executions, Oklahoma to resume death penalty
Despite Oklahoma's bungling of its last three scheduled executions, the state's top law enforcement officer said justice demands that lethal injections resume once his office's probe into the last two drug mix-ups are complete.
Republican Attorney General Scott Pruitt said a grand jury directed by his office is nearing completion of a months-long, closed-door investigation into how the wrong drug was used to execute an inmate in January 2015 and then delivered again to death row for a scheduled lethal injection in September that was halted just before the inmate was to die.
Pruitt declined to discuss details while the probe was ongoing, but said state officials have a duty to Oklahoma citizens, who overwhelmingly support the death penalty, that it is carried out properly.
"It's important that as state officials, when the people of Oklahoma have said unequivocally that the death penalty is the right form of punishment in certain instances ... that we carry that out in a very sober and thoughtful way," Pruitt told The Associated Press.
That quote isn't made up. It's 100% real. The Attorney General of Oklahoma thinks we need to carry out executions in a "sober and thoughtful way." If you ever see a prison warden at CVS looking for the perfect "Happy Execution" Hallmark Card, that explains why.
Seriously, "thoughtful" execution? I'm not fluent in "moron" like Scott Pruitt, but isn't that the ultimate oxymoron? How exactly do you "thoughtfully" execute someone? Do they light aroma therapy candles and play relaxing music in the execution chamber? Do they let the inmate smoke a cigarette and eat a Tombstone pizza while inserting the IVs?
For the benefit of everyone involved, I say we stop trying to be "sober and thoughtful" and go back to the wild, intoxicated, careless execution ways of our past. I doubt anyone would complain. I'm sure the death row inmates would much rather be killed instantly by a firing squad or hanging than be "thoughtfully" poisoned to death over 45 minutes while strapped to a gurney. Also, why does everyone have to be sober? From the executioner to the witnesses to the person who's about to lose their life at the hands of the state, I think everyone in the room could use a cocktail or two. I'm sure having a nice drink before an execution really takes the edge off.
Anyway, you can read the rest of the story over at the AP website. If you have any ideas or suggestions for how Oklahoma can more "thoughtfully" execute someone, leave them in the comments.