12 people you’ll run into at the bar while home for Thanksgiving
9:12 AM EST on November 25, 2015
Without a doubt, Blackout Wednesday is every suburban 20something's favorite holiday of the year. You know that special night before Thanksgiving, where everyone from your hometown gathers at the bar that looked really cool when you were a teen (but actually sucks), throws down some cold ones, and a de facto reunion commences.
This goes without saying, but it's going be awkward. Someone's going to accidentally insult your line of work. You're going to reminisce about some awesome party that person you're talking to wasn't invited to. Someone's going to dramatically condescend the people who "got sucked into staying here" and I'm going to defensively assert "Tulsa is awesome you pretentious POS!!" for the fourth year in a row. Don't worry, it's all a part of the weekend's charm.
The other great thing about this weekend is running into stock characters from your high school. Grown up life really isn't all that different, except instead of jocks, band dorks, and hippies, you've got a whole new set of archetypes to contend with. Let me break them down for you.
1. The Newly Minted Rich Person. Whether they invented an iPhone app, opened a string of yoga studios in the suburbs, or inherited a flourishing revenue source from their spouse, you're certain to run into an old friend who suddenly has the means to roll up in a RangeRo and buy every peasant in the bar a toast of Dom Perignon. When you comment on their Christian Louboutin shoes or Rolex, they beam with pride and utter "this old thing?" or something equally awkward. They'll request your group's Uber ride home despite surge pricing, rather than wait five extra minutes for a Lyft instead. They'll wake up the next morning, see their Uber receipt, and won't panic.
2. The Professional MRS. This chick was gunning for a husband with a 401k and CEO potential back when she was still in a training bra and braces. In high school, she probably exclusively dated AP students, national merit scholars, and class presidents. She's 100% married or engaged by now, and though her significant other mysteriously is missing from the bar (so many clients, he wishes he were here!) she figures out a way to work the phrase "my husband" into every one of her sentences. Did she graduate college? Yes, communication. Profession? Full time homemaker, duh.
3. The Guy Who Went to Burning Man. Don't worry, you'll know as soon as you've encountered this fellow because it'll be one of the first things that comes out of his mouth.
Sam! What have you been up to?
Well I caught mono at Burning Man, so this is kinda my first night back into the wild...
Hey Nate!! Awesome seeing you too. Where do you live now?
I live in Austin with this girl I met in a drum circle during Burning Man.
Are you in line for the bathroom?
HEY CHECK OUT THIS TATTOO I GOT FROM A LAOTIAN GIRL AT BURNING MAN!!!
4. The Patrick Bateman Wannabe. This guy rolls up to the bar in a suit, despite the fact you know they certainly spent the day in their pirate sweatpants watching football. They casually hand out business cards, and seem to have much difficulty articulating a concise way of explaining their job. Someone compares his outfit to one of Scott Disick's, and he thinks it's the greatest and funniest joke anyone has ever made. He tells you about the last time he got bottle service at some club in Vegas like it was the most mundane thing he's ever spent four grand on. He mutters someone about needing to leave to "chase some tail" and you immediately unfollow the guy on Facebook.
5. The Organic Non-GMO Gluten Free Paleo Girl. I'll have a vodka soda, organic vodka please and artisan soda water. But if there's no organic vodka make it rum, and instead of artisan soda water with my rum I'd prefer Mexican Coke. See, the genetically modified high fructose corn syrup in a regular rum and Coke is what makes it bad for you. Mexicans use pure cane sugar. I learned about it at barre class.
Seriously though, I'm still somehow friends with this chick on Facebook. She sends me constant Facebook messages about whatever essential oils or Rodan & Fields bullshit she's currently peddling. A few months ago, she complained that she had a stomachache because the girl at Chipotle touched a gluteny tortilla and didn't change gloves before making her burrito bowl. Yeah, that's why you have intestinal distress, not because you just ate a mountain of beans, cheese, and hot sauce. Bitch please, does passing the bread basket make you sick too? Can't make this shit up.
6. The High School Sweethearts with a Basketball Team's Worth of Children. Buy these people a drink or five. They've beaten the odds, the kiddos are safely stowed at Granny's house, and it's time for them to get down.
7. The Furniture or Car Salesman. He'll hook you up with a business card and low-interest financial options. You probably remember him as the dude who scored the conference-winning touchdown your senior year.
8. That Person You Had a Huge Crush On. If you're still single, do not find yourself close talking with them in the corner. Do not furiously make out with them at any point in the night. Do not exchange numbers, do not plan a future together in your head. You want to know why they're still single, too? They probably have some creepy ass perversions or unresolved mommy issues. I speak from experience.
9. The Nutty Tea Party-ist. Will immediately call you out for de-friending them on Facebook. Goes on a diatribe about how there's a war on whites in America. Thinks confederate flags are a symbol of rich Oklahoman southern heritage. Was offended by the new Starbucks cup.
10. The Now Sexy Nerd.
The late bloomers are always the foxiest. Gone are the braces, the stiff jeans, the Keds, and the weird bangs. Now you've found the perfect combo of someone insanely sexy, but who doesn't know it! (Pro Tip: good-looking people ALWAYS know they're good-looking. You're playing right into their calculated humble facade hands).
11. The Semi-Famous Person. Maybe he made it to Hollywood Week on American Idol, or pitched for a Major League game, or was on Hard Knocks before getting cut. Whatever it is, that's the elephant in the room. It's awkward to mention it, but it's even more awkward not it.
12. The Girl Gone Wild. You'll see her out in a cropped top even though it's 45 degrees outside and you're all old enough to have seen the original wave of cropped top fashion madness. She's sipping a vodka cranberry. She's in stiletto heels. She might be a wedding planner or a real estate agent. She's on the prowl, and is going to hook up with someone hilarious tonight...probably the (#1) newly minted rich guy, (#7) furniture or car salesman, (#10) now sexy nerd, or the (#11) semi-famous person.
Follow Chelsea on Twitter at @xCawoodstock
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