The Village is getting weirder.
First the city was invaded by skunks. Now they're being infiltrated by an organized garden gnome racket. These two things have to be related, right? If so, I blame the elves.
Earlier this week, Allison Cameron (pictured above), or as David the Gnome calls her – Allykink Fizzlewhistle – was busted making her own private Statuary World franchise when Village police caught her stealing diminutive statues and figurines from her neighbor's yard.
KFOR's Andrew "Borrowing My Grandpa's Old Suit" Donley has all the details:
Homeowners in The Village were shocked to learn that a thief has been combing the neighborhood at night, stealing yard ornaments....
The 19-year-old who allegedly stole the items is Allison Lee Cameron.
“She had a backpack and upon looking in the backpack, we found some items in there that had been stolen from two houses,” officials said.
Police say she took three yard gnomes from (her neighbor) Randy Mize and hit up another neighbor as well.
“In a few months span of time, it appears she had taken quite a few items," police said.” “Why she was taking all the items? We have no idea.”
Given what has happened, Mize says he’s taking action.
“What I’ll do is I’ll probably change to those motion lights. We’re also thinking about putting in surveillance cameras up so at least we’ll be able to identify them,” Mize said.
Police say even though they took one into custody, there could be multiple people involved in these thefts.
First of all, this will be an excellent crime to feature on a pilot I want to pitch to TruTV. It's called "Forensic Files for Kids." It will be like regular Forensic Files, but instead of showing how murder cases are solved with blood spatter, it will featured kid friendly things like how the DNA in your saliva can link you to the bubblegum you stole from Buy For Less, or better yet, how footprints and pixie dust can tie thieves to garden gnome robberies. I'm sure it will be a hit. We'll even put the "For Kids" in a script font that looks like something a second grader would write on a chalkboard. It will be a hit.
Anyway, the cops do bring up a good question. Why was she stealing damn garden gnomes? Let's play Village Police Detective and try to answer that:
Logical Answer #1: She's a brave badass
Outside of Troll Dolls and Cabbage Patch Kids, is anything more terrifying than a garden gnome? Whenever I walk by one, I know they're watching me, judging me and can tell I'm stoned.
Logical Answer #2: She's a little too into World of Warcraft
Isn't a gnome a race in that game? Or is that called a class? I honestly don't know because I have a social life that doesn't involve wearing a headset and talking to teenagers each afternoon. Also, what the hell is a Paladin?
Logical Answer #3: She's trying to scare away the skunks
It would make sense. If people are scared of gnomes, imagine how skunks must feel. Plaster and plastic are immune to their odor.
Logical Answer #4: She's trying to help out the skunks
This is where things get interesting. It could be a give and take. She's gets rid of all the gnomes for the skunks, and the skunks in turn leave her alone. It's similar to the arrangement Emily Sutton and I have with Joleen Chaney.
Logical Answer #5: She really is working with elves.
Hey, the police did say she's working with someone.
