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Wes Welker seems pretty cool…

wes welker thunder boots

Sign me up for Wes Welker's next football camp! I bet there's a good chance he passes out glow sticks and closes it with a rave. Wayne Coyne will probably be there, too, rolling around in his hamster ball.

As I'm sure you've heard, Wes Welker, the all-world midget football player from Oklahoma City, was recently suspended by the NFL for violating the league's drug policy. According to Mike Florio with, Welker either intentionally or unintentionally took Molly while living it up at the Kentucky Derby back in April.

Wes Welker’s good day at the Kentucky Derby turned out to be not so good.

His winnings that day exceeded $57,000. But human error resulted in the Broncos receiver being overpaid by nearly $15,000.

Now, he’ll lose a lot more than that due to his four-game suspension.

Per a league source, the banishment under the PED policy happened because Welker took MDMA, a banned substance under the substance-abuse policy, that had been cut with amphetamines, a banned substance under the PED policy. (Here’s where all the Walter Whites in the crowd will try to claim in the comments and on Twitter that MDMA and amphetamines are the same thing. They’re not, Jessie.)

As happened with Cowboys cornerback Orlando Scandrick, pure MDMA wouldn’t have triggered a violation under the PED policy. The presence of amphetamines resulted in a one-strike, four-game suspension.

Just like Lance Armstrong, Mark McGuire, Ryan Braun, Rafael Palmeiro and just about every other athlete who was caught using drugs, Welker denied the claim. In a preachy, motivational email he sent to the Denver Post, Welker said:

“I wouldn’t have any idea where to get a Molly or what a Molly is. That’s a joke. I don’t do marijuana, I don’t do drugs. I don’t do any drugs.”

Unfortunately for Welker, pics like this make it hard to believe his story:

wes welker kentucky derby

Yeah, that's just a pic of Welker dressed like a pimp handing out $100-bills to total strangers at the Kentucky Derby. Hard to believe that he was on a drug that's supposed to make you feel like the most amazing person in the world, isn't it?

As a slow white Oklahoma City kid who wanted to play wide receiver in the NFL, I've always kind of admired Wes Welker. Because of that, I'm disappointed that he's denying these accusations. The old "I accidentally took this drug" excuse is about as believable as "I was keeping it for a friend." If anything, he should own up to it. He's a star athlete who's not only probably going to have early dementia due to all the brain injuries he's suffered, but he also has to deal with dropping the game clinching pass in Super Bowl 46. Who cares if he wants to hang out with his Hooters wife and take a recreational drug or two in the off-season? He's earned it.

Anyway, I wonder what the repercussions of all this will be. Will Wes Welker's Bar and Grill offer a laser light show and tickle their patrons with feathers every time Welker scores a touchdown? Will the name of the Polo Bowl change to the Designer Drug Bowl? Will Graham Colton switch over to dubstep? These are all questions that must be answered.

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