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The Oklahoman published a ridiculous editorial about medical marijuana…

It's pretty difficult to make a rational argument against the legalization of medical marijuana, because let's be honest, there really isn't one. The plant has legitimate medicinal use, is non-toxic, and when it comes to your own body, I think most people agree that you should have a say what you can and can't put in it. Especially if, once again, the thing you want to put in it can't kill you.

Of course, all those valid and reasonable points are lost to the conservative squares at The Oklahoman. In a recent unattributed editorial, the paper played a game of Reefer Madness by questioning the petition drive that aims to get a state question for medicinal marijuana legalization on the Oklahoma ballot. The entire thing is misinformed, loaded with bowls of sarcasm, and reinforces dated marijuana stereotypes that are typically made by hypocritical right-wing tools who have never smoked, vaped or eaten marijuana once in their life.

Check it out:

Oklahomans for Health has launched a petition drive asking voters to legalize medical marijuana. The group claims Oklahoma law prevents people with serious illnesses from accessing a viable medical treatment. But the details of the plan suggest that the ultimate goal is high-minded only if you emphasize “high.”

Under the proposed constitutional amendment, some 37 “qualifying conditions” would make a citizen eligible to get a medical marijuana card and legally buy the drug. Some of the conditions are truly serious, such as cancer or AIDS. These are the more sympathetic cases that legalization proponents like to tout.

But other qualifying conditions are hardly medical emergencies requiring last-ditch use of “alternative” treatments. Do you have headaches? Make that: Do you have “chronic” headaches? Apparently, marijuana is the remedy. Do you suffer from depression, anxiety, insomnia, premenstrual syndrome or painful periods? All are qualifying conditions to legally buy “medical” marijuana under the proposal.

I don't have too much experience with premenstrual syndrome or painful periods, but yeah, marijuana works great for all that stuff. Not only does it help numb the pain, but it makes you feel good, too. Well, unless you start googling WebMD for the cause of the headaches. Then you get a little paranoid. And guess what, unlike those traditional forms of drug store medicines out there, I don't know, like TYLENOL, which sends 55,000 thousand patients to emergency rooms and 500 people to coffins each year, marijuana can't kill you. There's literally never been a case of a documented marijuana overdose that's led to death. But lets forget all that rational logic and continue with the editorial.

Attention deficit disorder is another qualifying condition. Makes sense: If Cheech and Chong taught us nothing else, it’s that marijuana is a sure-fire way to improve one’s mental focus.

Yep, the Oklahoman is using stoner comedies from the 1970s as a basis to form opinions against medical marijuana. That makes perfect sense, because as we all know, nothing is more realistic and relatable to modern life and legitimate issues than cheeky 1970s stoner comedies. Seriously, who hasn't driven a van made entirely out of marijuana up the California coast for a vacation, or had a friend who grew a marijuana farm disguised as a pool in their backyard. Hopefully nobody shows the Oklahoman Editorial Board Pulp Fiction, or they'll start writing articles in favor of gun control.

Asthma is also a qualifying condition. Again, what would make more sense than to treat asthma (a chronic lung disease) than by smoking something? (Granted, you can consume marijuana without smoking, but still …).

Actually, please finish your point. But still....what? Could it be "But still, well, marijuana edibles kind of destroys this entire point, so we'll just casually blow it off with ellipses."

If you think the roster of medical conditions sounds too stringent, not to worry. Oklahomans for Health wants to require the state Health Department to review requests to put additional medical problems on the qualifying list at least twice every year.

Other provisions of the proposal provide cause for skepticism about the initiative’s true goal. Under the proposal, anyone who lacks a medical marijuana license but is caught in possession of up to 1.5 ounces of marijuana (or up to six cannabis plants) would face only a misdemeanor charge if that individual “can state a qualifying medical condition …”

In other words, so long as you can remember to say, “Dude, I have chronic headaches,” marijuana cultivation would be only a misdemeanor, not a felony, even if you have no license.

Uhm, is there a problem with that? Is the better option just to toss the person in jail and ruin their life? If anything, charging someone with a misdemeanor seems excessive.

Under the proposal, those seeking a medical marijuana dispensary license would pay an application fee of $2,500. Applicants would have to be Oklahoma residents age 25 or older who submit a business plan; production must be based in Oklahoma. Notably absent is any requirement that those selling “medical” marijuana have any medical expertise — or any education whatsoever.

Yeah, unlike the highly educated minimum wage pharmacy tech at Walgreens who sells you Prozac and Oxycontin, we really need budtenders to have some sort of medical training for those times you freely go in and purchase a safe, natural, non-toxic medicine.

The proposed law would require those seeking a dispensary license to “show ability to invest at least $100,000 into business startup” with those funds “readily available.” That’s apparently meant to reassure citizens that only serious, legitimate entrepreneurs will participate. How else would someone come up with $100,000 on short order? It’s not like they’re selling … Oh! Never mind.

Once again, I wish the unnamed Oklahoman editorial writers would finish their thought. Were they going to say "It's not like they're selling... weed?" If they were, it's pretty damn obvious this person has never purchased weed in their life, and their only experience with the American drug culture is what they've watch on network television. I've bought weed many times from many different people, and let me tell you, every single one of them is (or was) broke as fuck. They struggle to make ends meet just like everyone else. The people who get rich, if you want to call it that, are the wholesalers (a.k.a. gangs) that push the stuff across the country on an untaxed black market. God forbid we take the business out of their hands and entrust it with local entrepreneurs.

Also, if anything, the $100,000 start-up cost is too high. It limits who can start a business and goes against those basic free market principle that the Oklahoman loves to protect. And in case you care, finding individuals to invest $100,000 in this industry will not be difficult. You'd be surprised by the number of successful people in this state who use marijuana, and would be willing to risk six figures to get it in the hands of people who do (and don't) need it for medicinal purposes.

Let's finish up this ridiculous editorial:

Similar requirements are placed on those seeking a license to grow marijuana, except that those applicants can be as young as 21 and must put up only $50,000 in startup funds. Those wishing to package marijuana edibles must be 21 and put up $10,000.

The petition backers claim they simply want to ease people’s pain. But looking at the proposal, it’s hard to believe this effort is about anything other than making it easier (and legal) for people to get stoned.

That's a good observation. Lots of people want medicinal marijuana to be legalized because it will make it easier (and legal) for people to get stoned. And you know what, who cares! If it's easy (and legal) for a guy and girl to get hammered at a bar and take a cab home, why can't some dude get stoned on a couch and watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force? There's really no logical answer to that questions either, but still... you get my point.

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