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The Oklahoman published an article about breast implants…


In The Sunday Oklahoman, the "State's Most Trusted News" decided to appease their conservative readership and publish a comprehensive guide to breast implants. In typical Oklahoman fashion, they took a topic that is fun and interesting and dumbed it down into something that is informative and tremendously boring.


Breast augmentation is sought by women for many reasons

Why get breast implants?

A woman might choose to get breast augmentation, or implants, for a variety of reasons.

For one, a younger woman might seek out breast augmentation because she had one breast that did not develop fully, and it's difficult for her to wear clothing without a visibly noticeable difference.

Sounds logical. What are the other reasons? Addressing insecurities? Boosting self-esteem?? Wanting to make The Lost Ogle or get a job in pharmaceutical sales???

Other women might undergo breast augmentation because they want to increase their bust size. For example, a woman in her 20s might seek out the surgery once she has finished developing. Also, women in their 30s and older might want breast implants after having children and seeing their bodies change because of it.

Breaking news! Stop the presses! Some women undergo breast augmentation because they... want to increase their bust size. Thanks for the insight. You guys have a superior command of the obvious.

With that ground-breaking investigative journalism out-of-the-way, the article continues:

The average cost of breast augmentation surgery is $3,543. That doesn't include the average fee for anesthesia, operating room facilities or other related expenses. It is generally not covered by insurance.

I'm a big supporter of all women's health initiatives. That's why I strongly believe that breast augmentation procedures should be fully covered by all health plans provided by Hobby Lobby. Wouldn't that be great? It would finally give me an excuse to go shopping for decorative wall ornaments and shitty frames.

Here's more from the story:

What happens during surgery?

You are usually placed under general anesthesia, meaning you'll be asleep.

Each surgeon will have a different technique for surgery. For example, one type of surgery involves cutting near a woman's armpit and placing the implant through a small cut. Another type of surgery involves cutting near...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's stop this right now. TLO is a family website. We don't want to gross today's kids out like that damn surgery show on The Learning Channel did to us in the 1990s. Remember that? It was back when TLC actually had shows about learning and not midgets, baby pageants and wedding cakes. Just like how I don't want to know the process in which chicken nuggets are made, don't tell me where big breasts come from. Give me the blue pill and say they're made via magic.

The rest of the article is about gross technical stuff like pain level, recovery time, and other risk factors. As I mentioned, they took a topic that is fun and interesting and ripe with off-color jokes and puns and made it informative and tremendously boring. They didn't interview Jesse Jane or Precious from Valley Brook. You know, Oklahoma women who have benefited from implants.

Hell, they didn't even include any photos of actual breasts with implants. I guess they're saving all of them for the next Look at OKC Swimsuit issue. In fact, this the only image they used to accompany the article. Whenever you find yourself having to think about football, think about it instead:

Dr. Paul Silverstein

Whenever they do an article on obesity, they show pics of random fat people bellies. When they do an article on implants, they show creepy old Dr. Magoo fondling a bag of silicone. There's a double standard here that isn't fair.

Actually, that's Dr. Paul Silverstein. He's a well-known local plastic surgeon, physician and credited as being the Oklahoman's source for most of the breast augmentation information. You may be familiar with his book "Where the Sideboob Ends."

On that high note, I should probably end this article. I guess tell me what you think of implants, or why Dr. Silverstein has such large hands.

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