This is the second installment of our list of "46 Reasons Why Oklahoma is F*cking Awesome."
If I was a smart blogger, I would have called it "46 Reasons Why Oklahoma is Fracking Awesome" and got Aubrey McClendon's new company to sponsor the damn thing. According to the Wall Street Journal, he's having problems finding investors, so he probably could have used some additional publicity.
Let's get to the list. You can view Part I here.
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16. Miss Americas
Maybe it has something to do with our drinking water, or perhaps it's related to our culture's inability to progress beyond dated 20th century American values, but we churn out those Miss Americas. Even in the years when our girl doesn't win, she generally finishes in the Top 10. Outside of fossil fuels, cattle, wheat and red dirt, pageant contestants are one of Oklahomas biggest exports.
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17. Grown Up Film Actresses
Okay, I guess we've progressed a little bit from those dated values. Three of the most recognizable names from the area of entertainment that's responsible for incognito browsers are from the Oklahoma City area (Bebe Jonez, Jessie Jain, Ashley Brook*). There are also some not so recognizable names from Oklahoma that are actually named Oklahoma. Google at your own risk.
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18. The OETA Movie Club
If you ever find yourself broke, alone and in the mood to hear the Gremlin's theme, remember that you got a friend in BJ Wexler. For decades now, BJ has been the host of the OETA Movie Club. Each Friday night, he and his glorious old man-fro puts your grandparents to sleep by showing risque classics such as Annie Hall, Lolita and 12 Angry Men. He also provides small antidotes and trivia questions about the films. It's public television at its finest.
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19. Falls Creek
According to an informal poll of my classmates from P.C. West High School, 50% of all Oklahoma males went for their first boob at the Falls Creek Church Camp in Davis (a.k.a. The Bible Breeding Grounds). Because Oklahoma girls have high morals and standards, only 75% of them were successful.
When Oklahomans elected Falls Creek Director James "Skeletor" Lankford as a congressman, we had a contest for readers to send us their wild tales of Falls Creek debauchery. This email won:
We were smoking weed in the hills and heard a security guard, so everyone splits up. No one got caught or anything so we all go back to our camp after the Tabernacle service lets out. We think we are cool as shit because we out foxed this guard but after realizing 1 person in our party did not make it back to the rendezvous we start to get a little concerned. Our town’s cabin only had 40-50 kids, so when they went to do a roll call at dinner they noticed that they were a kid short. I guess they called down to security officer and security didn’t have our friend, so our counselors made a plea to the group. Someone came forward and told the story (minus the bud) and then they really lost their shit, and put out an APB, call the kids parents, etc. He showed back up a few hours later maybe 10:00. They ended up sending him home the next day.
Now the good part, we get back to town and ask him what happened. Apparently, he scaled a fence to get away from the security guard, so he is running when he notices something in the distance -a mother fucking herd of camels. He jumped the fence and ended up in Arbuckle Wilderness! He swears that he saw a mountain lion but I don’t buy that shit -those things are pretty shifty and it seems like a liability. Anyway, the image of my friend from 7th grade, high off his ass running into a bunch of camels at Falls Creek always makes me smile.
We love you, Falls Creek.
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20. Screw you America, we invented the parking meter!
That also means we're home to parking tickets and good excuses to leave meetings. Here are a few other things that were invented in our state:
• Shopping cart
• Yield Sign
• Electric Guitar
• Obesity
• Teen Pregnancy
You're doing fine, Oklahoma!
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21. Kent Ogle
I guess we should go ahead and admit it. It's been a secret for too long. This site is 100% owned, operated and managed by KFOR's Kent Ogle. He created the site out of jealousy for not getting a nightly editorial segment like his two older brothers. I'm actually just a freelance writer from the Philippines. My dream some day is to write for Tate Publishing.
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22. We All Smell Like Onion Burgers
Outside of Tucker's Onion Burgers, which is tremendously overrated, Oklahoma is home to some of the finest onion burger stands in the country. My favorite place is JW Grill in Chickasha. My old perverted roommate's family owned the place and when he would go home for the weekend, he'd usually return with a sack full of onion burgers and put them in the freezer. That was a good and bad thing when you'd come home from a late night out at the bar.
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23. The Turner Turnpike
This 100 mile stretch of highway between Oklahoma City and Tulsa is the best turnpike in the state. Granted, that's about as prestigious as being the best stylist at Supercuts, but it's the truth. Here's why:
• Unless you're driving like Kyle Earnhardt Waltrip Jr., you never get pulled over for speeding. Just put the cruise on 84 and you're good to go.
• Compared to other highways, the drive is pretty smooth. And the construction doesn't really slow things down.
• The toll area in the middle kind of wakes up you, and gives you bearings on far away you are from home.
• You get to reminisce about the old Midway.
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24. Watching Kevin Durant dominate the NBA before he rips out our hearts and bolts during free agency.
I don't totally buy the humble, modest, "awe shucks" Kevin Durant image that has been nicely packaged and thrown at us by his handlers, the Thunder and the local media. That's why I'm already preparing for the day when he bolts to a bigger market.* It's going to happen.
* Sorry for the buzz kill.
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25. The BC Clark Commercial
If you ask an Oklahoman to name their favorite Christmas Carol, they'll probably say the BC Clark Anniversary Sale jingle. Now if only they can get some diversity in their commercials.
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26. Will Rogers
If you combined the political humor and wit of Jon Stewart with the multi-genre appeal of Will Smith and the versatile talent of Hugh Jackman, you still wouldn't be able to equal Will Rogers. He was that good...allegedly. Most of us wouldn't know, because he died in a plane crash in 1935, but that's what people tell me.
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27. You don't have to walk anywhere
This is cool because most of us are fat and lazy, but it's also not surprising. You see, Oklahoma became a state at about the same time the automobile industry was taking shape. Which leads to...
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28. No Traffic
That image is what an Oklahoman considers traffic. Hysterical, huh? Seriously, we may have a traffic jam or two, but it's nothing compared to other cities. It may be my favorite thing about living here, other than the actresses.
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29. Macaulay Culkin was arrested here
The Home Alone star was arrested near 1-44 in Remington Park in 2004 for possession of marijuana and having a small Walgreens pharmacy in the back of his car. When the highway patrolman noticed the child star, he screamed "Kevin!"
Sorry, that's lame. Couldn't resist.
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30. Mathis Brothers Gerbil Jokes
They never get old.
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We'll have Part III up tomorrow. Click here to view Part I.
