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Larry Jones is back on the TV and begging for money

7:00 AM EST on December 22, 2011

After a brief hiatus, Larry Jones is back on television. This time, instead of begging for money to feed starving children and fund his porn research, he’s asking for you to help an elderly Oklahoma couple who lost their home in the November 5th earthquake.

Here’s the commercial. Let's just say it lacks the "umph" of those 1980s spots:

Uhm, so Larry Jones has gone from feeding the Children to feeding the parents of the people who appear in our State Fair Photos who were affected by the earthquake? What's going on here?

Here’s the deal. What happened to this couple isn’t funny. I really do hope they land on their feet, get their home rebuilt, and maybe even get Jimmy a new pair of suspenders. That being said, they should probably shoot a new commercial if they want to raise some money. Here’s my advice if they choose to do so:

A) Play some sad music. Every good PSA needs some sad music to accompany it. And it doesn’t even have to be Sara McLaughlin sad, it could be something else like…uhm…well…maybe I’m wrong. Play a damn Sara McLaughlin song, but not the one Animal Control plays over the intercom every time they euthanize a sheltie.

B)  Put your grandkids or animals in the commercial. If you don’t have any, use someone else’s grandkids or puppies. There’s a reason Larry Jones didn’t name his original charity “Feed the Old People.” That’s because the elderly aren’t very sympathetic. They just like to drive slow, hold up the line at Wal-Greens, or if you’re like my dear grandmother, randomly shout out the answer to a Trivial Pursuit question while people are playing in the other room. If they want people to donate money to rebuild your home, having kids in the commercial is mandatory.

C) Don’t film your PSA in Larry Jones’ garage. You would think that Larry Jones and his family made enough money at Feed the Children to afford their own state-of-the-art TV studio. I think they found those Christmas decorations in the same dumpster where Kramer found the Merv Griffin Show set. 

D) Screw it, just don’t associate yourself with Larry Jones. If you want to be reminded why Larry Jones has a bad reputation, read this. That story and all the other ones that have surfaces about Jones makes me think this whole thing is a bit fishy. I don’t like how Larry Jones calls the couple his “new friends.” That means he probably searched them out. I don’t like how he says 100% of the donations will go to the couple. That probably means 100% of the donations will not got to the couple. And I don’t like how he’s named his new organization “Feed Life.” That’s a dumb name and it’s way too similar to Feed the Children. That would be like Clark Matthews suing us after we learned he was accepting bribes and wasting his money on Asian porn, and then a year later, Clark starting a new blog called TheLostPaulFolger.com.

Anyway, hopefully the couple follows my advice and everything works out for them. If you want more information on how to help them, visit the Feed Life website. The money may go through Larry Jones' hands, but hopefully it will help the people who need it the most.

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