Deficit Problem Solved
9:27 AM EDT on October 29, 2009
When the banking industry was on the brink of collapsing, the federal government stepped in and made the tough decision of bailing out the finincial sector in hopes of stabilizing the economy and avoiding another Great Depression. In the process they acquired the goldmine asset that can get the government, itself, out of debt.
The United States government is the owner of Crossroads Mall.
Sure, we see it as a ginormous, practically vacant crime haven. And J.P. Morgan probably saw it as a toxic asset when it offered it up as collateral to the $29 billion loan the Fed gave them to buy Bear Stearns. But, what it really is is a potential goldmine.
While everything else offered up as collateral was just paper they hope will appreciate in value when the economy rebounds, Crossroads Mall was the one tangible, brick and mortar asset the government acquired. Now, they need to figure out how to make $29 billion from it. After the jump, we have some ideas.
Make it a "Tea Party" Headquarters
Mimicking our founding fathers who protested the King of England's tendency to tax the colonies despite giving them no representation in Parliament, conservatives began organizing "Tea Parties" to protest taxation with representation. Since only people making $250,000 a year or more stood to see any tax increase, I assume everyone attending these protests was rich...or how else could they take off work in the middle of the day and hang out at the Capitol holding signs?
To be fair, these protests do contain a lot of people who are legitimately angry and want people to know. Of course, their "tea baggings," as the organizers came to regret calling them, which also complain about government spending, cost the government money. I doubt the security (police officers) is being paid for by the organizers and taxpayers are covering the clean up of Anti-Obama posters littering the capitol steps afterwards.
Therefore, CrossRoads Mall should become a Shangri La for anti (Democrat run) government folks. The demographic is right (rich and mobile) and the location is correct (the reddest of red states). To make money, the government could turn CrossRoads into a posh resort and charge them by the head to come in and burn Barack Obama in effigy without fear of counter protests. They could even hire some minutemen to patrol the entrances to keep criminals, liberals, and Mexicans out.
Mothball Everything Except the Chick Fil-A inside
That might not make money, but it's bound to create some cost savings.
Turn it into a Mega Church
If Oklahomans know how to turn a profit on something it is creating mega churches. And if there is one thing Oklahomans don't mind, it is mingling church and state. Is it just me or is the the perfect chain of events to create the Church of Obama? Instead of a house band, Will.I.Am. could churn out his hit campaign song "Yes We Can" and the sermon would just be the current President's 2004 speech at the Democratic National Convention projected at the place where Steve and Barry's used to operate.
Am I right or am I right? Hello? Everybody? Why is no one lining up behind me on this one?
The Gary England Museum of Meteorology
Tell me that wouldn't wipe out the deficit within months.
Buy a Mall in Seattle and relocate it here
Store Jim Traber's Ego There
Turn it into a hospital for injured Sooners
Make it Lloyd Noble-North (they are both empty)
Move the TLO Headquarters out of my garage