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Cashapalooza (part IV)

6:36 AM EDT on April 1, 2009

This is the final installment of Cashapalooza.  For those of you hoping this is an April Fools' prank, sadly it is not.  For the rest of you who are glad to see this feature end, we'll have a new installment of ideas for spending the Federal Stimulus money next week.

April Fools!

aubrey mcclendon
  • Buy Aubrey McClendon's wine

When I came up with this idea, it sounded great.  Maybe if The Oklahoman wasn't so intent on hiding any news that could possibly be construed as "negative" about one of its advertisers, I would have known that McClendon's stash was off the market.

gary-and-king-david
  • Bribe Gary England into making our weather like Florida's

Tornados in February.  Snow in late March.  Coining the phrase "Snownado" because a tornado and a blizzard occured concurently within state lines.  All of this has been happening, and I'm pretty sure it's because Gary saw this coming.  One way to get back in his good graces might be to allocate the stimulus money to his bank account.  That will require all of it, of course.

lapdance
  • Two words:  Lap Dances

Maybe it should be three words.  FREE lap dances.

turner-turnpike
  • Make East-bound Turner Turnpike free

 Not that there is any good reason to leave Oklahoma City for Tulsa, but someone still thinks it is rational to charge you $4.50 for the honor of visiting our red headed step child to the east.  With the stimulus money, we could eliminate the necessity of bilking motorists to use the Turner Turnpike, or forcing them to take Route 66 (which my dad prefers) and carve four hours out of their day.  West-bound, though, should continue to charge, because leaving T-Town is well worth the money.

ronnie-kaye-and-midgets
  • Cryogenically freeze Ronnie Kaye

 Truth be told, I think this has already been done.  How else can you explain the 117 year old keeping up with his daily radio program on KOMA?  My guess is that he has been thawing out every morning and going back into the chamber right after spinning the last golden oldie of his shift.  This has been happening since George Nigh signed an executive order to preserve his favorite dee-jay.  Obviously, this process has to be pretty pricey, and using the stimulus money to cover this cost will free up state money for other ideas on the list.

lifechurch-cross
  • Build a bigger cross on the opposite side of I-35 from LifeChurch

LifeChurch, back when it was called Metro Church, built a 163 foot tall cross under the premise that it is a monument to Jesus Christ.  Really?  This is a tribute to our Lord and Savior.  That is a big closet.

Mrs. Matthews often complains about LifeChurch's ginormous cross because she thinks the money would have been better served feeding the homeless.  That's a fair point, but as someone who has a healthier respect for the value of marketing, (the ginormous cross draws attention bringing in more people to tithe, securing more money that can theoretically be used for feeding the poor) my beef is that they couldn't come up with a better gimmick.

  • Buy the Vikings and move them to Oklahoma City

Suck on that Jon Krawszynski!

checkers
  • Found the Clark Matthews' Contact Checkers Institute

We all have dreams.  I know I do.  Mine is to create a facility dedicated to advancing the underpromoted sport of Contact Checkers.  For the past year, I have been trying to get Patrick to let me pitch this idea, and he's been all, "buy an ad."  And I've been all, "take it out of my pay."  And then he's like, "I think you should have to pay to make anyone read your 5,000 word manifesto on 'kinging strategy.'"  Whatever.  Here's my plan...

(edit.  This is Patrick, Clark Matthews has been placed on indefinite suspension.)

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