Cashapalooza (Part III)
8:00 PM EDT on March 25, 2009
The stimulus bill that awarded Oklahoma $2.5 billion in federal money was passed over a month ago, and to date, it seems like all the money we've received has gone for things like health care. While helping sick, indigent people is a worthy cause, let's face it, it's boring. So, today we bring you our third edition of things the money could be spent on:
- Forgive Lance Cargill's Glenn Coffee's taxes
Let's say you're Glenn Coffee. You just watched the former Republican Speaker of the House, Lance Cargill, go down in flames due to a scandal involving unpaid taxes. Knowing that your party was in great shape to take over control of the state senate, and that you, as the highest ranking Republican in the chamber, were in position to be the president pro temp, what would your first priority be prior to the elections?
If it's me, I head over to my accountant (in my case, me) and make sure that I have my taxes in order. That's the difference between me and Glenn Coffee, though. He waits until the IRS puts a lien on his house for two years worth of unpaid taxes. Luckily for Senator Coffee, he hasn't done enough to piss of The Oklahoman, because they are strangely silent on this matter, whereas with Cargill they were attack dogs.
- Pay off Patrick's Henry Hudson's tab
This is assuming the $2.5 billion will cover it.
- Patch up the potholes
Okay, I talked about how health care was boring, and now I'm advocating road maintenance. If that makes me a hypocrite, fine. But, I would really like to drive to work without having to swerve like Eddie Sutton after a bender to avoid the missing chunks of street the broke off during the last ice storm.
- Bring back Taco Tico
When I was an elementary school aged kid, my grandmother would take me and my sisters to the Taco Tico on May Avenue every Sunday. Then it shut down and became Abadan's Gyros. I'm pretty sure Abadan is a variation of "Abaddon" which in the bible comes to mean "place of destruction". And that's what Abadan was for me, a destruction of my happy childhood.
For awhile, I was able to get my Tico fix anytime I went to Tulsa, but now they shut down there. While that's a plus in that I now have no reason to ever go to Tulsa, that leaves Shawnee as my only outlet for the tastiest fast food Mexican on the planet. As bad as going to Tulsa for fast food was, going to Shawnee for any reason makes me pretty pathetic. (Sorry, Governor.)
- Find a way to get it into the hands of our wealthiest citizens
This isn't a suggestion so much as a sad realization of what is really going to happen.
- Give each Oklahoma resident $700
I did the math, and the stimulus money comes out to $700 per resident of Oklahoma.
- Buy Longhorn emblems to stick on cars upside down
There is an epidemic of OU fans purchasing stickers that feature the logo of the University of Texas then placing those on their car upside down. By the way, bravo on sticking it to Bevo. Every time one of those stickers is purchased, a dollar of the price is allocated to go directly to UT. It's part of the licensing agreement. So rather than pissing off the rare Longhorn fan who sees the affront to their school, you are likely just making the cash register in their head make a ka-CHING noise. The money they receive is being used to lure five star recruits to the football program, and in turn causing more Sooner fans to want to buy the Longhorn stickers. It's a vicious cycle.
Anyway, considering that Sooner fans apparently love to support the University of Texas, we might as well use our stimulus money to help them. Or...we could use them for Pistol Pete stickers to disrespect. Go ahead. Please.
- Pave Tulsa's Streets with Gold
In college, I typically stuck around Stillwater on weekends. I mean, where else would a college student prefer to be than surrounded by other people their age. If the OSU student was from Tulsa, the answer was back in Tulsa sleeping in their parent's house. Those of us who stuck around surmised that the weird phenomenon we dubbed "The Union Reunion" was due to the streets of Tulsa being paved in gold and the fact that there was a keg on every corner.
Imagine my surprise when I moved to Tulsa to take what turned out to be an awful job and the city was nothing like I imagined. Not only were the streets not paved in gold, they were hardly paved at all. At least not to the point where more than two cars could share a four lane road. And the kegs on every corner? Nowhere to be found.
With the stimulus money, we have the opportunity to make Tulsa the place it's residents imagine it to be...and with the free taps, Patrick might allow more than one Tulsa themed article in a week.
What Oklahoma really needs is a 24 hour news network dedicated to local interests. Then, it needs to be run buy us here at the TheLostOgle.com. Of course, we would need the full $2.5 billion for the first year of operations in order institute all of Patrick's plans. It will take some serious coin to keep Jamie Cerreta in town, bring Maggie Carlo back, steal Amy McRee/Lauren Richardson/Bobbie Miller/Jessica Schambach/Joleen Chaney from their respective stations, and to buy Gary England out of his contract at News9. But, it will certainly be worth the money.
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