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Coburn Gets Got

12:33 AM EDT on May 29, 2008

Thanks to one of our eagle-eyed readers, a guy named Tony, it has come to our attention that Oklahoma's least bad senator recently had some bad luck. Sure we have taken some shots at Senator Coburn, but we do have sympathy for the man after he was the victim of a burglary at his home in Muskogee. While Tony is certain that this is just what happens when you let a nineteen year old run your town, the rest of us think there may be more to this and want to help. With our careful investigation, we have revealed the following list of suspects.

DeMarcus Granger

To be honest, we have no hard evidence, but anytime stealing takes place, Granger is going to be our primary subject. Besides, we hear Coburn had recently completed a shopping spree at Burlington Coat Factory.

Andrew Rice

Look at that leather jacket. That's a rebel without a cause.

Randy Terrill

I have long held a theory that Representative Terrill would stop at nothing to drum up support for his anti-immigration platform. It would not surprise me if Terrill committed this burglary to frame an illegal alien.

Lloyd Fields

When Coburn's guitar was not easily found, Fields just settled for jewelry and cash.


It could help explain why Tony has been so scarce lately.

Wynona Rider

Sure, she isn't from Oklahoma, but limiting our scope to within the state would be a mistake with a man's jewelry still at large. Also, we have to keep "Junior High Sexual Humorist" happy, somehow.

Sally Kern's 32-year-old, celibate, music teaching, metaphysics practicing, non-gay son from Iowa

Sure, Jessie Kern looks innocent, but Patrick thinks he may have been hiding in Coburn's home while the police were investigating the crime. I asked Patrick why, if that were true, the officers did not find Kern, and Patrick suggested the guy knows how to get lost in a closet. Good point.


Obviously, this would be retribution for the Senator ruining their cushy situation in Southeastern Oklahoma.

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