“It will be mine. Oh yes! It will be mine.”
12:01 AM EST on February 20, 2008
It's hard to even make up stories that are this good.
As you probably know, State Labor Commissioner Lloyd Fields was sent to the drunk tank this past Saturday night after trying to"¦get this"¦steal a bull rider's guitar at a rodeo after-party.
Welcome to OOOOOOOklahoma, ladies and gentlemen. In other states, labor officials are involved in shady midnight deals behind an old abandoned warehouse by the dock, where they exchange black briefcases with union leaders and people use code names like "Mother Fox" and "Dakota." But here in Oklahoma, our labor commissioner just attempts to steal a rodeo cowboy's guitar at a good old fashion hootenanny.
Anyway, in a clever attempt to make this story even better, sources have confirmed to The Lost Ogle that authorities are investigating the possibility that Commissioner Fields utilized the services of an accomplice in the attempted guitar heist. For a complete rundown of the suspects, click the little "click more" button.
Democratic Nominee for US Senate
As the terrifying picture seems to show, Andrew Rice looks like a pretty cool guy to hang out with. He kind of looks like a guy that has some vintage Cure or Depeche Mode albums or knows someone who can get cheap weed. But even though that may be cool to us and some 34 other Oklahomans, he's probably not "Oklahoman" enough for the rest of our state's residents. The first step in becoming more Oklahoman and beating Jim Inhofe: stealing a guitar from a professional bull rider. Yee-haw!
Wealthy Furniture Demigods
The salesmen at Mathis Brothers are more annoying than hipster trust fund babies that hang out at CafÃ© Nova on Saturday night. Maybe by helping Lloyd steal the guitar, he told the Mathis Brothers that he would protect their sales force from harassment lawsuits, ensuring that future generations of Oklahomans (and now Canadians and Californians) will continue to be stalked as they search for the perfect love seat, ottoman or coffee table.
OU Football Player
He's obviously not scared of cowboys and the only thing worse than getting caught stealing a guitar is getting caught stealing a jacket from a Burlington Coat Factory in Arizona.
Scott Hines is the annoying little investigative reporter guy for Channel 4. He probably told Lloyd that he'd help with the crime, but instead just double-crossed Lloyd and shot some video of the attempt so he could have a big sweeps story.
Country Music Legend
Apparently, Vince Gill is a local country music legend. I know this because the local media and boring 50 year olds who work at Chesapeake say so. However, Vince also looks like a really big wuss. And I bet all his songs are about Oklahoma sunshine and flowers and rainbows and stuff. Maybe he decided to help steal the guitar to show Amy Grant or Toby Keith how mean he can really be.
Lead Singer, Chainsaw Kittens
Tyson Meade is the cross dressing lead singer of the Chainsaw Kittens. They are reuniting for the upcoming Norman Music Festival. They probably need instruments or something, since it's a free concert.
Writer for TheLostOgle.com
He's pretty smooth with the ladies, loves politics and never misses a rodeo after-party. Something tells me Lloyd and Tony were probably talking labor law at the bar and some hot (female) bartender dared them to steal the guitar.
Anchor Dude for OklaTravelNet.com
Country Western Music? Check!
Hunky Cowboys? Check! Check!
Brown Leather Chaps? Checkity-Check! Check! Check!
(Just like with Tony, something tells me that there would probably be a dare involved with this, too. However, it's a dare that I want to know nothing about.)
"Heart. Hustle. Hardwood" Basketball walk on
Kellen has always been loyal to his dad, and to maybe help deflect some of Kelvin's recent controversy, he decided to help Lloyd steal the guitar. I bet Lloyd was about to get away to, but Kellen (much like his dad) found a way to screw it up in the end.
Annoying Sports Animal Board Operator
Matt Meyer may have the most annoying voice in the history of radio, so maybe if he helped steal the guitar he would have learned to play it instead of spending all his time interrupting Jim, Al, Berry, Dean, Billy and whoever else is supposed to talk on The Sports Animal.
CEO or something for Sonic, former OKC School Board President
Cliff is like the good Spiderman and bad Spiderman. On one hand, he got rid of the allegedly corrupt Oklahoma City school superintendent. On the other, he is the CEO of Sonics, which rips people off with overpriced food and drinks. Something tells me the bad Cliff may have been with Lloyd that Saturday night.
The fake Moe Dampeer
Some America Idol guy that made it to Hollywood
Since everyone locally still probably thinks this guy is Moe Dampeer"“and have no clue who he really is"“he would be the perfect accomplice to the not-so-perfect crime.
Anyway, those are the suspects. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if any of them turned out to be an actual accomplice. Of course, I also wouldn't be surprised if a meteorite ridden by Gan Matthews just crashed in my living room, because I'm just cool like that.