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Politics

Primary Today

7:41 PM EST on February 5, 2008

A few of our readers may be aware that there is a Presidential campaign in process. One or two of those politically in tuned readers might even realize that today is Super Tuesday, which is now when Oklahoma's primary takes place. For those who are surprised by this news, I cannot really blame you. With the exception of a few Ron Paul signs around town and a handful of Barack Obama commercials, this state has been largely untouched by any candidate. Part of it is because we are a small state disbursing our delegates on the same day as New York and California. The rest is that Oklahoma is a really weird state politically.

Case in point: Ron Paul is going all out in this state. Not being a Republican, I cannot say I have been following him closely, but my initial reaction to him is that he is Ross Perot without the funny ears. My favorite Paul tactic when he gets invited to the debates (something the Democrats finally stopped doing for Dennis Kucinich, their lunatic candidate) is how he keeps reciting, "No one is talking about cutting spending," like a parrot who knows no other phrases after every other candidate gives spending cuts lip service. Then again, his complete disregard for reality would be par for the course in regard to candidates this state supports.

On the Democratic side, there will be a lot of disenfranchised white men going to the polls. After John Edwards dropped out last week, most people think they only have an historic choice between a woman or an African-American man. (For the record, the correct choice is Barack Obama.) Of course, in this state there is an alternative.

Jim Rogers is a local man who shuns the idea that a President needs to campaign nationwide. Heck, he even laughs at the conventional wisdom that you need to campaign, at all. For someone who blew a few thousand dollars to get his name on the ballot, he has been completely cavalier in actually attempting to get any votes outside of his immediate family. I've scoured the internet and found nothing on the man. Seriously, look at Rogers' profile at Project Vote Smart. At least on The Green Papers I was able to learn he declared on November 21st of 2007 and that his address is Midwest City, 73110. So, his address is just as vague as everything else about him.

As a result of Rogers' laziness to even come up with a website (I mean, seriously, this site is a testament to how easy it is to get a presence on the world wide web), I have decided to become his campaign manager. And, as his personal Karl Rove, that means I get to create his platform. So, after the jump, I have outlined some of his stances.

Issue # 1: English as the national language

Okay, that sounds racist, but hear me out. I'm not talking about English like the language I am writing in now. No, I am referring to Middle English, like The Canterbury Tales. I believe this will give candidate Rogers an advantage among high school literature teachers (his primary demographic) because they always insist on making their students memorize the prologue in this dead language even though it is just gibberish. It also has the added benefit of being completely unenforceable...much like the idea of making Modern English the national language.

Issue #2: Cockfighting

From a comedy standpoint, this issue is wasted when it is limited only to this state. It needs to become a national debate so that real comedians (translation: not Jack and Ron) will weigh in. When Jim Rogers gets a delegate, that person will bring the plight of cockfighters *tee hee* to the masses.

Issue # 3: Clark Matthews -- Delegate to the Democratic National Convention

Hey, I'm doing all the work here.

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