Earlier this week, city leaders, the local media and other members of the invited establishment celebrated the official release of the Oklahoma City edition of Monopoly.
You know, one of these special editions that replaces all the Atlantic City streets, roads and landmarks and replaces them with, in this case, Oklahoma City destinations.
Although they nailed some of the items – a.k.a. Memorial Marathon, Scissortail Park and State Capitol – this “official version” of the game let businesses and advertisers buy their way onto the board, turning what should be an OKC greatest-hits list into a weird chamber-of-commerce wet dream. That naturally led to some odd omissions and out-of-place inclusions.
For example...
Out of the three restaurants to make the board, we get Cattlemen’s (fair), Cafe Kacao (fair) and… La Brasa?
Really? La Brasa? I could see the restaurant making Cokeopoly, but Monopoly? I don’t know, it seems like there’s a better fit. I bet the only way you can get people to buy that property is if My So Called Band is playing.
Oh well, La Brasa is better than a hospital and community college:
Yes, when rattling off all the odd landmarks, don’t forget the forgettable orange-peach colored hospital on NW Expressway. To keep the game ultra realistic, they should make sure nobody knows how much the rent costs until after they bill through insurance.
Also, I love my old alma mater, but do we really want OCCC to be a square on Monopoly? Wouldn’t Oklahoma City University — a school that requires more than a GED to get into — be a better fit?
And that’s not a knock on Harvard on May. With all respect to Lee Elementary, it’s the best school I’ve ever gone to, but I'd save it for the OKC version of The Game of Life, perhaps between “Teenage Pregnancy” and “Career Counselor Says Try Welding.”
Those are just three of the dumber ones on the board – I’m also looking at you Lively Hotel, OKC Convention Center and Lights On Broadway – but they all take up spaces that go to more deserving things.
Here are 10 of the biggest omissions that should have made the Oklahoma City Monopoly Board.
1. Devon Tower
“Wait Patrick. You’re telling me a Monopoly game for OKC didn’t include our city’s largest and most visible landmark?”
Yes. That is exactly what I’m telling you. I even looked like eight times. It kind of calls the entire credibility of this “official” game into question, huh?
2. OKC Streetcar
Considering the Chamber loves to hype things locals don’t use or care about, I figured the streetcar would be a shoo-in for the Reading Railroad. But nope, they apparently wanted those squares named after fancy districts. Womp womp.
3. Star Wash
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, before automated car washes appeared on every corner, there was Star Wash – a wretched hive of scum and villainy that used the powers of the force – and spot-free rinses – to keep southside cars bright and shiny.
Although most old-school car washes have been hunted down like the Jedi, Star Wash survives, offering a clean-ish, safe-ish refuge for self-serve washes and discreet drug deals. That deserves celebrating!
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4. Oklahoma Contemporary
Although it looks like a futuristic minimum-security prison, I genuinely like Oklahoma Contemporary and was shocked the Chamber didn’t wedge it onto the board. Who knows? Maybe they’re mad at OK Contemporary’s benefactor – Woke Christian Keesee – for spending too much time protecting animals from factory farming instead of schmoozing with the Chamber.
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5. Lyrewood Lane
It seems like every couple of months someone posts a map of Lyrewood Lane on OKC Reddit and, probably intrigued by the low rents and affordable home prices, asks if it’s an okay area to live there. Then, after a couple hundred problematic comments and various conversations, the thread gets shut down and the OP ends up moving to Edmond.
Anyway, OKC should be celebrated, warts and all, so I would’ve slapped Lyrewood Lane — and maybe even Melrose Lane — on the board in place of Baltic and Mediterranean.
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6. Oklahoma County Jail
I get why they didn’t want the real Oklahoma County Jail featured — it would suck for players to die in real life just for rolling three doubles. But they could’ve at least updated the rules to make things more accurate.
For example – first time you land in jail, you escape after one turn. Second time, you must chain yourself to the door and sing Baby Shark until another player pays your bail. Third time you get to escape again.
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7. Oklahoma City Zoo
How did the Zoo PR and Marketing team drop this ball?! Were they still hungover from Zoo Brew when the “Buy a Square on OKC Monopoly” paperwork came through? Or was the fee so high they’d have to sell a red panda to afford it? Somebody needs to answer for this.
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8. Cactus Jacks
Where else can you play pool, buy drugs, and attend a 7-year-old’s birthday all at the same time – Cactus Jacks on the oft-overlooked west side of OKC.
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9. Milk Bottle Building
Really? How did this not make the cut? It’s literally our most iconic chunk of roadside architecture. Plus it has a Braum’s logo on it — that’s two Oklahoma City institutions knocked out with one square.
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10. OKC Cock Ring
I begged and pleaded for this to be in the game, but the fun-haters cut it because it makes Mayor Holt blush. I should’ve convinced Patricia’s to sponsor it. Maybe next time.
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Anyway, those are my most glaring omissions. If you want to add the River Sports Complex, Cowboy Hall of Fame or Red Dog Cafe, leave a comment.
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