Ring the bells, kiss a Trump Bible, and gently massage your best friend’s thigh! Ryan Walters is resigning as Oklahoma State Schools Superintendent!
As is usually the case, I first started hearing rumors about his departure early in the afternoon. After a couple of phone calls and emails, we were the first local media outlet to report the news on X.
Yes, that’s right!
With his unfavorability rating at a record high, fundraising war chest running dry, and annual Brazzers bill hard to justify, Ryan Walters has finally decided to put Oklahoma students first and flee state government to work for some grifty think tank.
As Handel, Bernstein, or Buckley would say...
After the news started flowing through the Oklahoma politisphere, the primary question was what group or organization Ryan would be joining.
Would it be The Heritage Foundation, the Federalist Society, or Prager U? Or maybe something really big like Turning Point USA – a place where Ryan can tour the country entrapping dumb, opinionated liberal college students in staged, hollow, rigged debates?
Ryan teased the speculation and promised a big nightmare reveal on Fox News:
Liberals’ worst nightmare? Yeah, I’m pretty sure that happened when some guy named Donald Trump was elected president… twice! How dare Ryan put himself on that hallowed pedestal?!
Eventually, Ryan went on Fox News while all his supporters were already sleeping and made the big announcement.
Liberals' nightmare? Uhm, more like liberals’ freakin’ dream come true!
Seriously, you’re telling me that not only is Ryan Walters resigning, but he’s leaving for an irrelevant, obscure non-teachers union teachers’ union that nobody has heard of?
Maybe I’m not a good liberal anymore, but I don’t want this nightmare to end! I want to watch Ryan go full Ambrose Burnside and lead his army of angry right-wing teachers into battle and get walloped. Whatever you do, do not wake me up!
Even though Ryan records most of his national TV appearances in his ugly office, I guess this one was filmed in the KOKH 25 studios.
As a result, Wendy Suave Suares was there to creepily shoot side videos and ask legitimate questions that Ryan sheepishly ignored.
That’s kind of awkward. I’m surprised Ryan didn’t hire Dan Isett on a special one-day contract to push Wendy away! Where was he when Ryan needed him most!
Obviously, there are lots of questions to unpack with all this news story.
The first is obvious – with Ryan Walters gone, what are we going to cover now?! I wonder the same thing, but if the last 18 years have taught us anything, it’s that Oklahoma will never deliver a shortage of content.
The second obvious question is who Kevin Stitt will appoint to be the next state schools superintendent.
According to one Mole, Stitt is apparently looking for more of a calming presence who won’t seek reelection; someone who can come in, analyze the damage Ryan has done, and quietly sabotage public education from the inside until a new superintendent is elected.
For that role, some of the names I’ve heard are Brandon Tatum, Nellie Sanders, and Adam Pugh. The problem with those names is that two of them (Tatum and Sanders) don’t really want the job, and the other (Pugh) will probably run for the office.
Another name being tossed around is the opposite of a calming presence who will only make things worse – resident Derplahoman Shane Jett. He’s an ultra-right-wing firebrand cut straight from the Walters cloth.
The only difference is that instead of funny photographs existing where a man is grasping Jett's thigh, we have a former Oklahoma porn star standing by his side.
Fun fact: Dr. Lisa Christiansen may be better known by her film and modeling alias “Janette Littledove.” If Jett gets the job, let’s hope none of her movies ever appear on his TV during a state board meeting.
Anyway, we’ll obviously continue to follow this breaking story and have more details as they arrive. In the meantime, if you want to meet at a bar to get drunk and celebrate, I'll meet you at Whiskey Cake:
Stay with The Lost Ogle. We’ll keep you advised.
