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Five Ways to Convince Oklahoma Cops You’re Not Here Illegally…

Recently, Grand Inquisitor Kevin Stitt signed a bill I've caustically entitled the “F*ck Mexicans Act” – a racist piece of legislation that gives our always responsible and ethical Oklahoma cops the power to arrest “individuals” who they believed to be committing an “impermissible occupation” in the state of Oklahoma.

Because it gives cops the legal authority to profile and target people based on skin color – something they already love to do – even people who work in law enforcement think the law is a bad idea:

Honestly, I'm not surprised Stitt signed the bill. If he can’t push the Indigenous people out of the state, he might as well come for the Mexicans, right?

As a Mexican man myself – one who I believe is here with permission – I thought it would be wise to come up with a few ways to finagle the system, because whether it’s doing lawn work or government work, those state-employed truncheons mean business!

Here are five tips to help you survive Stitt’s rule, whether you're Mexican or not.

1. Stay off the main roads!

Typically, undocumented citizens enjoy the highways and byways on this great land. But, with Stitt’s act, for the time being, stay off the main roads, traveling by cover of night with only the moonlight to guide you.

2. Bleach your hair!

If there is one thing that will give your Mexican heritage away, it’s the strands of dark, luscious hair. Get to the drug store post haste and buy some hair dye, giving you the robotic, featureless brow of anonymity with blonde hair that might buy you a couple of weeks.

3. Learn key phases!

Sorry, but the one thing that everyone from grocery-store Karens to taser-happy Karls knows instinctively is the embodiment of the language. Learn a few key phrases in your vocabulary including “Do you know who I am?!”, “Let me speak to your manager!” and “Go Sooners!” 

You can also do what former State Rep. Ryan Martinez tried and say that you know the governor, but that may have mixed results.

4. Wear a trench coat and dark sunglasses!

Usually, a trench coat is the best disguise for hiding two or three kids on your shoulders when trying to get into an R-rated movie. It’s a classic disguise, and it might work for you, especially with a Mexican or two on your shoulders.

5. Keep a wad of cash!

If all else fails, keep a standard wad of loose cash on you, as a lot of cops are corrupt and will let you go in exchange for a few bucks. Start the negotiation at around $20 bucks and you will have a little bit of wiggle room...unless you are the Governer's son, natch.

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