As a woman who likes to A) Plan, B) Keep my options for abortion always open, and C) Shitpost, I figured why not share several new ways – which are also old ways – you too can get an abortion once our state inevitably bans it.
1. Fall Down the Stairs at the Oklahoma State Capitol…
A great form of brutal protest AND a brutal way to abort. I can think of nothing better. Sustaining multiple injuries while trying to terminate a pregnancy should be dedicated to the 70 house reps who voted in favor of the bill and to Kevin Stitt himself – the man who most certainly will sign it into law in the coming days.
2. Any Changing Room at Penn Square (Using a Coat Hanger for the New Maternity Dress You’re Trying On)…
While out shopping for the pregnancy you’re forced to carry to term and with your options dwindling, go the old-fashioned route and perform your very own coathanger abortion! It’s very simple. In fact, I’m sure you can find tutorials online as more and more women are forced to go underground to terminate their pregnancies. Sure, there’s a high risk of you puncturing your cervix, accidentally flaying your uterus, and bleeding out but at least you can use the maternity dress to soak up the blood, so long as you pay for it.
3. A Fun-Filled Day at Frontier City…
You know all those signs that tell you not to ride rollercoasters while pregnant? Did you know that ignoring those signs is a great way to self-induce? Ride the Silver Bullet and the DiamondBack – if they're not broken down – as much as your heart desires and I promise, in no time that placenta will detach itself! Expect a severe amount of bleeding and sharp pains but just like the kids that throw up after riding a roller coaster and get right back on, you too can power through it and still have a fun day at the Greatest Amusement Park in America!
4. Drinking Lake Thunderbird Water While it’s Being Turned…
Anyone who’s ever lived in Norman will know just how disgusting the water is, especially around September when Lake Dirtybird turns. Willingly ingesting contaminated water from one of the grossest lakes in our Great State could potentially help you self-induce and you even get the added benefit of chromium poisoning on the side! You’ll be too busy gagging from the taste and smell to even notice the success of your DIY abortion!
5. Visit an MMA Gym and Insist You Be Let into the Octagon…
One of the most tried and true methods, let someone beat the shit out of you. Even better, let experienced fighters absolutely pummel you. You may not have any experience getting beat up but no matter, you’re not here to learn, you’re here because you have no other option. I’m sure the illustrious Markwayne Mullin can give you some great tips on how to avoid serious injuries in his campaign ads!
All joking aside, access to safe and legal abortion is something I feel strongly about. Abortion is not something taken lightly by those who choose to have one, even for the women who know immediately that they have to get one.
Abortion access is vital and by criminalizing the safe procedure, they effectively guarantee that the only options they have are the dangerous ones (each of these that I’ve listed have actually been used and documented as forms taken by women to self induce an abortion).
Now that Roe has been overturned, we are going to see more women hospitalized and criminalized for trying to self abort and several who will die trying.
*This is not an actual guide on how to self-abort. The Lost Ogle STRONGLY advocates for safe and legal abortion.