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7 New Year resolutions most Oklahomans have already failed…

3:57 AM EST on January 4, 2022

Happy New Year, my fellow Oklahomans! I hope everyone had a safe, happy 31st and are ready to treat 2021 like an Oklahoma governor treats a global pandemic by forgetting it ever happened and maybe planning a ski trip to New Mexico or something.

It’s hard to believe it’s already January 4th, 2022. But it’s easy to believe that most of us have already given up on our resolutions for the year. In fact, here are 7 New Year resolutions Oklahomans have already broken!

Stop Drinking

By today, this resolution has been modified to “stop drinking hard liquor.” By the 15th, the New Years Resolution tweet will be deleted shortly after checking in at Edna’s.

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Go to Church More

Due to the attempted “stop drinking” resolution, the average Oklahoman made New Year's Eve count. Having less than 36 hours between midnight Friday and the latest Life Church service yesterday was not enough of a recovery time to withstand fluorescent lights, direct eye contact, and Craig without a migraine that would carry over to next Sunday.

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Becoming a Runner

Who could’ve predicted an arctic blast to hit the first week of January? It’s Oklahoma, for God’s sake. Looks like that summer 6-pack has been rescheduled for 2023.

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Smoke Less

Like the folks who want to “stop drinking,” the “smoke less” resolutioners partook in enough Maui Wowie Friday night to have long forgotten about making this resolution.

Eat “Better”

For some, this means meal prepping, adopting a more plant-based diet, and cutting back on processed foods. For others, this means cutting back from 4 roller grill items to 2 each lunch break. Either way, they’ve both been abandoned already.

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Watch Less TV

If the average Oklahoman just cut back 1 hour of television each day, they’d have more time to play with their kids, finally take a chance to invest in a hobby, or argue with extended family and their former youth pastors on Facebook and Twitter about vaccines and the insurrection. Instead, this evening most Oklahomans will be spending the evening arguing with extended family and their former youth pastors on Facebook and Twitter about vaccines and the insurrection while the Witcher season 2 plays in the background.

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More Family Time

In most Oklahomans’ defense, they made good on this resolution by calling grandma bright and early on January 1. But whether it’s her spotty memory or 1950s vintage opinions about her new neighbors, they’ll justify putting off the next phone call until Mother’s Day.

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Hayley is recycling New Years resolutions. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek and become a contributing member of TLO here.

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