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7 Skills Gen Zers Need To Work For The DOC…

6:48 AM EST on December 16, 2021

Good news, fellow kids!  The Oklahoma Department of Corrections is again considering lowering the minimum age of correctional officer applicants to 18.

Overall, this is great news. Not only will kids make a couple of dollars more an hour than their snow cone stand attendee peer counterparts, but they’ll also get to carry pepper spray! How’s that for a flex?

That being said, the DOC will probably have to translate applicants’ skillsets to make sure they are hiring the right teenager. So, here’s 7 qualifications the DOC will look for in Gen Z correctional officer applicants!

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High School Diploma

That’s at least the standard for now. But once the Department of Corrections figures out how to convince enough sophomores to choose “Correctional Security I” over home economics or shop class for an elective, passing the 8th-grade reading test will suffice.

Deadman Wonderland or Equivalent Anime Stan TikTok Account

Having a Deadman Wonderland or any warden-approved equivalent anime stan TikTok account would indicate an applicant has a proficient understanding of what prison entails and the physical requirements to do the job as evidenced by the corresponding TikTok dances.

The Uniforms Must Fit the Applicant’s Aesthetic

Navy on navy is the general DOC uniform choice, so if their general aesthetical palette is more “Summer” or “K-Pop,” the job is not for them.

45 Hours of Clocked “Among Us” Experience

Of the 45 hours of clocked “Among Us” playtime experience, at least 15 hours must have been as the Imposter to show working knowledge of tunnel systems, surveillance, and pursuit tactics.

Can Make Direct Eye Contact When Ordering Food

If a candidate can’t at least make brief direct eye contact when ordering their BTS meal from McDonalds, there is little room to grow when it comes to ordering the incarcerated to line up for meal times.

Should Have an Underdeveloped Prefrontal Cortex

The area of the brain that is responsible for decision-making and rational thinking often gets in the way of taking orders from hardened wardens and accepting the deplorable conditions that Oklahoma’s incarcerated folks are often subjected to when serving a sentence. Thus, it’s best the DOC caps the age limit for new recruits at age 25 before the PFC gets a chance to fully develop.

Strong Enough Constitution to Witness Daily Horrors

The general overcrowded and dehumanizing conditions of the Oklahoma prison system combined with its lackadaisical response to the pandemic have created a brutal life for many Oklahomans who are incarcerated. Correctional officers are also at a higher risk for developing trauma-related mental health disorders. So of course, the only answer to these problems is to hire more teenagers for the job.

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For more information on prisoners’ rights and advocacy, look to the Oklahoma ACLU. Follow the cheugy Hayley on twitter @squirrellygeek and become a contributing member of TLO here.

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