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A Few Executive Orders Stitt Hopes to Sign Before Thanksgiving!

11:45 AM EST on November 18, 2021

While Gov. Kevin Stitt sits in his multi-million-dollar Edmond abode and prays to Republican Jesus to give him the strength to fully focus on the execution of Julius Jones, he’s apparently had a couple of free moments to sign a few executive orders recently, including blocking the state from issuing birth certificates with an "X" gender marker.

After all, he’s just looking out for you, Oklahoma!

It’s one of the many ways he’s implementing the Oklahoma Standard into our lives—whether we like it or not!—so much so, that it got me to thinking: what are some of the other executive orders he probably wants to implement before he’s ousted from office elected President of the United States, with many of them being instituted by Thanksgiving or, as his family calls it, White Christmas.


Beef is Now the State Vegetable of Oklahoma!

As the Chief Grill Master of Oklahoma, Stitt is tired of vegetarians and vegans feeling like they own the vegetables of the state. Therefore, he’s decided on making beef the official vegetable of the state, so now, instead of steak and potatoes on your plate, you can legally have steak and steak. Plans are in the works to replace bread and dairy with beef and beef as well.


All Million-Dollar-Plus Donators Are Now Stitt Gold Members!

Tired of having to spiritually differentiate themselves from us simple plebians, now those that donated a million dollars or over to Stitt’s campaign will be issued specially made and specifically designed gold cards which are not only accepted by many Oklahoma police departments, but can also get you a buy one, get one free sandwich at most area Subways.


Welfare Recipients Must Participate in Gladiator Battles!

Are you an Oklahoman mired in poverty and need assistance in the sheer act of surviving? Stitt has made it known that he’s not a fan of welfare but, since the liberal government says he has to keep the program going. He’s going to do it his way: by bringing bread and circuses to Oklahoma, making sure that those that apply are definitely worth it in a battle to the gladiatorial death.


Natives Shall Wear a Patch on Their Sleeve to Identify Them!

Still upset over the McGirt decision but far too impotent to really do anything about it, taking a page from the book of one of his personal heroes, he’ll require those that are recognized as Indigenous to wear a patch on their sleeves of their clothes so that his supporters will easier identify those that claim this as their identity and, of course, their affiliation against him.


Introduce the Death Row Recliner to Oklahoma Prisons!

To show that he’s not the callous monster that many in Oklahoma seem to think he is, in special agreement with Mathis Brothers, he’ll install recliners in each and every execution chamber, to make the last few moments of their life comfortable, laying their head on the pillow-top rest as the mostly guessed-at chemicals run through their body.


Follow Louis on Twitter at @LouisFowler and Instagram at @louisfowler78.

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