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Patrick’s Friday News Round-Up (6)

12:40 PM EDT on September 17, 2021

Last Friday night, I was laying on the couch, wrapped in a blanket alternating between sweats and chills, when the ole' YouTube algorithm recommended a favorite comedian of mine – Norm Macdonald.

I don't know how or why the YouTube algorithm knew I was sick and angry, and that I could use some sardonic, deadpan, biting humor to brighten my night, but it did and it worked. I watched a compilation of Norm rattling off OJ jokes for Weekend Update, his infamous View appearance, and some other politically incorrect viewbait that worked in a different era, but would get him tarred and feathered by the identity thought police of today. Actually, he was tarred and feathered by them back in the day, too, but you catch my point.

I think my favorite clip was when he trolled Courtney Thorne Smith and Carrot Top on Conan:

Obviously, I was a bit weirded out that only a few days after my Norm binge, the dude died from cancer, but I guess that's how my uncontrollable psychic summoning powers work. I sincerely apologize to Norm for causing his death. RIP.

Now to this week's news round-up...

Reba escapes rural Oklahoma gentrification attempt

Oklahoma averted tragedy this week as Reba McIntire made a harrowing escape from a crumbling building she probably wants to convert to a mercantile in Atoka. Here's a video of the rescue.

Uhm, that's it? When the news first hit the wire, I pictured Rex Linn holding Reba's hand as she dangled over the ledge of the building while the world crumbled around her like in Cliffhanger, not Reba calmly climbing down a ladder with the assistance of a dude in a neon green shirt. Oh well, I'm glad she's safe and can resume her new hobby of buying decrepit old buildings.


Sprite appears in Oklahoma

Once again, I've been a bit out of it this week, but when I first saw this photo I thought it had something to do with Pokemon Go:

I did some research and angel red sprites are a real, albeit rare, phenomenon and probably help explain why people dreamed up mythological things like angels, gods, and religions. Seriously, imagine being some caveman looking up at the night sky while dealing with a toothache and one of those things forming overhead? It would be enough to get me to believe in Pokemon, too.


It's the huge ass fucking pumpkin, Charlie Brown!

The scary thing is it's the largest pumpkin grown in Oklahoma, which I guess means there are larger ones out there in other states? Yikes. Either way, I hope they give the pumpkin round-the-clock security because I'd hate to see what the mess looks like when a teenage giant stumbles across the pumpkin and smashes it in the State Fair midway.


Strange man in bear costume walks across Oklahoma...

Some weirdo who is walking across America in an Anime-style bear costume made a trek through northern Oklahoma this week. He entered in the Panhandle, walked east through Ponca City and Pawhuska, before landing in Tulsa where he jumped with a news anchor.

As a former Chuck E. Cheese, I can say that walking across Oklahoma in early September while dressed up in a full bear costume is pretty crazy, so it figures he's doing it all for mental health awareness.


Carvana to open inspection facility in Oklahoma 

Whenever I drive by the Carvana on the Kilpatrick Turnpike, I always wonder what type of money laundering operation the business is a front for. Whatever it is, it must be successful because they're expanding in Oklahoma:

Carvana only lost $462.2 million in 2020, so hopefully all the incentives our state gives them will help the company finally turn a profit.


Kevin Stitt's war against public education is going along nicely

Kevin Stitt – an opponent of public education – announced he's auditing the State Department of Education primarily because he's a massive passive-aggressive asshole.

The audit, which is basically political retaliation against the Education Department for its role in weeding out the Stitt grifter cronies from Epic Charter Schools, was panned by Joy Hofmeister. Stitt's She-Troll Carly Atchison wasn't having it:

Give Joy and her communications team credit. Carly is an expert at formulating aggressive, divisive and very dickish political rhetoric that's designed to ignore the truth and strike a harsh tone, so when you leave her dumbfounded by the tone of your remark, you're doing a hell of a job.


Hansen and Color Me Badd left off Rolling Stone's updated ranking of Top 500 songs of all time

Earlier this week, I clicked on Rolling Stone's updated rankings of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time. I did so knowing the list was intentionally clickbaity and divisive, but even I wasn't prepared for how comically awful it was. Seriously, how can you have "A Day In the Life" by the Beatle's at #24 – perhaps the greatest song produced in the 20th century – and whatever this is four spots ahead at Number 20:

I have weird, eclectic, incredibly awesome musical taste the spreads across all genres, but what the fuck. How could that song be #20, but Oklahoma-bred classics like Mmmbop by Hanson and I Wann Sex You Up by Color Me Badd couldn't crack the Top 500? From here on out, I'm only reading Rolling Stone for fake news about Oklahoma gunshot victims waiting in line at Oklahoma hospitals thanks to people overdosing on horse dewormer.

If you're still reading this, thanks for your time. We hope to see you next week.

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