Skip to Content
Satire

7 other seedy activities Oklahoma lawmakers are doing after midnight!

8:26 AM EST on March 11, 2021

It’s been a full week of batshit bills and racist rhetoric for Oklahoma lawmakers!

Along with attempting to ban the teaching of LGBTQIA+ diversity in schools and allow on-duty city employees to carry guns with little liability, lawmakers stayed up past midnight earlier this week to pass a bill that would grant immunity to drivers who run over protesters. Yeah, it’s super shady that they passed this bill while most of their constituents were probably sleeping, but do you expect anything less?

It got me think – what other seedy activities are Oklahoma lawmakers doing after midnight. Here are seven educated guesses:

Going to Strip Clubs

So far bills that would provide more transparency and external oversight in police brutality investigations have failed, while bills that would essentially make it illegal to take photos or videos of police officers on duty or even accidentally touch a cop are moving right along. Oklahoma lawmakers must be conglomerating at the Red Dog for their committee meetings, because they are basically applying stripper rules to police officers.

-

Launching Million-Dollar Half-Baked Plans

After Representative Justin Humphrey’s Big Foot Hunting Season bill failed to pass, he began working on a scheme to set aside state funding and raise money from private donors to set a bounty for the cryptid’s capture. At this point, introducing a bill that would allow 50 sharks with frickin lazer beams attached to their heads to be dumped into the Red River would seem like a better use of lawmakers’ time and state resources. It would probably keep Texans out of the Winstar as well.

-

Looking for Hot Wife Chloe on the Internet

In all fairness, she does need to be punished.

-

Developing Schemes for Lifelong Torture

What else would you call 5 bills that aim to limit access to or flat-out ban abortion that would likely force Oklahomans to carry unwanted pregnancies to term and give birth in a state that doesn’t even guarantee them a minimum wage that could afford to raise a kid?

Getting Shit Faced

Only people who drink booze would write a bill cook up a scheme to get mixed drinks and cocktails delivered. I know because I am said people. Except my scheme involves texting my husband across the house to bring me another round because there’s usually a cat on my lap.

Constructing New Aluminum Foil hats

In all fairness, the hats that are worn by men like State Rep Justin Humphrey will prevent the radio frequencies transmitted from the Moderna vaccine from installing Windows 10X in your prefrontal cortex.

-

Plotting Dangerous Plans…that May Lead to Death!

Senator Nathan Dahm introduced a series of bills that would allow Oklahomans to opt-out of partaking in contact tracing the next time a global pandemic or a Chuck E. Cheese Measles outbreak wreaks havoc upon society, as well as prevent Oklahoma cities and counties from implementing mask requirements. For a set of people who are so worried about an overarching governing body like the federal government making decisions that affect their ability to make laws, they sure like to act as an overarching governing body that makes decisions that affect smaller government entities’ abilities to make laws.

-

Hayley probably has a cat on her lap as you read this. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek and become a contributing member of TLO here.

Stay in touch

Sign up for our free newsletter

More from The Lost Ogle

Everything Else

Swadley’s is hiring a Staff Accountant…

You may want to consult with a lawyer before applying.

December 5, 2022
OKC Media

Jason Hackett leaving KOCO Channel 5…

He's taking a job at KARE 11 in Minneapolis.

December 2, 2022
Everything Else

Top 10 TLO articles for November

We've somehow survived another month!

December 1, 2022
Everything Else

Ryan Walters’s new hair part goes super hard to the right…

An Ogle Mole spotted him out having a drink this past Monday afternoon.

December 1, 2022
See all posts