I'm not a big fan of bumper stickers.
To me, they're the equivalent to a 45-mph clickbait headline or the Cliff's Notes of a person – nothing of substance and overly broad when it comes down to the real human behind the wheel.
As a result, I thought I'd take a break from writing about marijuana on the Happy and share my least favorite bumper stickers I see around town. They are:
House Divided
I don’t really mind seeing an OU or OSU college sticker when I’m driving around. It's a good thing, too, otherwise I'd lose my mind. It's the "House Divided" ones that bother me. They basically scream "Hey, look at me! I share a car with my spouse, and we're annoying and cute and tell people we live in house divided."
-
Marathon Ovals
I enjoy a good jog every now and then, but damn do some people really get into it. It’s not like I slap a 1/4 decal on my car to let you know that’s the most weed I’ve smoked in one day. The only thing worse than the high score stickers are the 0.0 ones. Haha, we get it dude. We know running isn’t why you’re helping Oklahoma stay in the top 10 of fat states.
-
Calvin Peeing on things
Woah now, that’s my childhood you’re pissing on! I’ve read like every single strip and I don’t remember this image being in the collections. Usually, it has him urinating on a Chevy or Ford symbol, but lately it has gotten weird and you can now get him peeing on just about anything. I once saw a clever fellow put the version where he’s kneeling in front of the cross in front of the peeing one to look like he’s enjoying a golden shower. Comedy genius!
-
Oklahoma Logo
In all honesty, I haven't seen one of these... yet.
-
Political stickers
Whether you’re a Democrat or Republican, I just don’t get how you can justify slapping one on the back of your vehicle. Are you wanting me to pull up next to you and debate politics, or are you looking for someone to key your vehicle in the Walmart parking lot?
-
Torn off
I’m sorry for your loss or whatever you don’t believe in anymore. Did your candidate lose, or did your favorite team finally change their racist name? Perhaps you bought a car with a stupid bumper sticker and don't know how to Google to "How to remove bumper stickers." Either way, fix it!
-
Too small
What is this, a sticker for ants? Seriously, it’s like you’re asking me to ride your ass while going 90 down I-35. It better say something real clever or I might just pull out the old “left lane’s the passing lane” trick.
-
Uncle Skunk always uses his blinker
